To describe the sheer effort it required to wake every day, to shower, to ‘do life’ leaves me with one analogy. Walking through mud – up to my shoulders – and trying like mad to feel light, positive and happy. It seemed a futile attempt each day, but I did my best.

Work has always been a haven for me. I enjoy working. I enjoy serving others. In fact, my workaholic tendencies make work a place to escape into. I found that if I focused on working, I could lose myself – whatever that was at the time. I didn’t know any more. I felt like a walking shell…a corpse.

During this time, as bad as I was, there were others who were even worse. I ended up working with them and helping them to reconnect to themselves. And, yet, as I saw one by one many of them return to themselves, their passion, their desire to serve, I held on to my own ego nature insisting I could figure a way out.

To lose ones Self so completely to be holding on by a thread is not something I would wish on anyone, and yet it is in this tenuous place…so fragile…that you find that you are truly never, ever alone. Oh, yes, I knew in my mind I was not alone, but in my heart…to know it completely and utterly, that is another thing all together.

I held on to the world’s structures for dear life. My ego very invested in my ability to earn – and earn others – a lot. It seemed that from my early 20s, when I first felt the sting of being judged by my credit score. Back then, I had no credit cards because my depression-era grandmother believed they were evil. I had moved out of an apartment and another roommate moved in with my former roommate. The new tenant was supposed to put her name on the lease. The truth is, I did get a nudge to go over there and ensure it happened, but I didn’t listen. Sure enough, the two girls left the last month unpaid. My shair? $200. Back then, $200 was a LOT of money. I didn’t know about credit scores, but I did know about being rejected due to that one thing on my credit report. I learned everything I could about resolving money matters – always seemingly learning everything the hard way.

So, here I was nearly two decades later, holding on to dear life to the credit score that had halted my life so early on.

It took everything inside of me to let go of my nature…the girl who believes anything is possible.

When I finally did let go, my credit score plummeted 500+ points within 30 days. I felt devastated. Beyond the failure of the conference, I felt worthless knowing I would be judged harshly because of my credit score. All of the years of working hard, of paying off debts, of buying houses, buying cars, were all down the drain in one fell swoop. It would literally be years later before I could face the papers showing the demarcation on my credit score.

Around that same time, I felt pulled to meet a woman I had heard about. God had told her to hold a ‘free’ conference. Free was a price I could afford. I trekked to Idaho Falls to meet this woman, following my own guidance. My perspective up to that time, had always been about service to others. I always seemed to believe I was fine, ready to assist, help or support another.

I went thinking I was there to learn something to serve others. I found my own heart healing in each conversation. At one point, this woman walked straight over to me and took my hand in hers and said, “Do you want to know unconditional love?” In my mind, I thought I already do. But I said, “Yes.” She prayed and though I did not feel anything – literally still numb – from years in my funkadelic state, I wished to be myself again.

The last day, this woman’s husband took us on a journey. In my journey, I saw four animals that turned themselves into sticks. These sticks then formed a point, resting on each other, similar to how you arrange sticks for a fire. As these sticks burst into flames, I saw these beetles crossing and flying up to the sky. and from the flame, I saw a phoenix fly from the fire.

When I asked the man what this was, he said, “Have you had any major changes in your life?” And I reflected on the ashes, the devastation. And I responded, “Yes, but I certainly don’t see anything new.”

He said, “Big changes coming your way. Expect it.”

And, in my heart I could feel the truth of this, and yet in my mind, which was completely in control of my life at that point, it could not ‘see’ or ‘make sense’ of any of this, and so I would press on thinking that somehow something ‘big’ was going to happen. When months went by with nothing, I fell fully back into the numbness.

And, with all of this. All of the magic that allowed me to go there and to pay very little. I still could not see the invisible hand guiding me. Though I had let go of my credit score, I still held on with all of my might to ‘figuring out’ a solution…in the smallness of my mind. The part of me least equipped to help me.

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• picture of a phoenix rising from the ashes
• standard poodles with long hair
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When I work with clients, I am ushered into the recesses of their minds, bodies and spirits. I am privy to their deepest fears and darkest resolutions. I may glimpse their grandest desires. Certainly I get to dream big dreams with them.

And, they, like me have many facets within them. Like a fine diamond with many, many expressions, they have many ideas and desires inside.

I have spent years getting to know my true self…to know myself intimately and to tell myself the truth about what I see. So, perhaps that is why I was so surprised when a friend said something to me…no, reflected something back to me…I have not seen or thought of before.

He and I met a few years ago in the midst of my greatest life challenge to date. My truth at the time? Terrified, felt largely alone in my creative mess and a crazy utopian thinker who had gone off half-cocked in a way too big for her own good. In Mark’s words, “We are in this place because YOU think you are bulletproof and above the rules of this world.”

Ouch.

I had seen the economic demise we have been experiencing the past few years coming. I ran around like Chicken Little screaming, “The land of milk and honey is coming to an end, we need to prepare!!!”

So I came up with an idea and headed off with my staunch manifesting energies and whipped up a little event. Well, in my mind it wasn’t that big of a deal…there wasn’t that much risk… we only needed 100 people and though we had huge headliners, it just didn’t seem like a problem. We all had contacts, we had great relationships, it just really didn’t seem to be a big deal.

Until every door started slamming shut.

But I’m over that now. And perhaps the most beautiful sign of that is my friend on the phone just a few days ago.

I said, “Well, you know, I’m not a risk-taking person.”

“What? Oh, come on, you’ve got to be kidding me,” he questioned. “Seriously? You just said that to me?”

“Oh, yeah, I don’t just run around and take risks on things blindly. I have to be able to see at least a part of what’s coming toward me or I have to have a complete vision of it to trust. I do nothing in a risky way.”

“Well, I’ll tell you something. When we met and I saw that event you were putting together, all I could think is ‘man this woman has titanium balls!’” he exclaimed.

“Really? That’s what you thought? Wow, interesting since that is not at all how I felt…especially as it all fell apart.”

“Just to be able to conceive of an idea like that is what made me think you were amazing. And, you didn’t just conceive of it, but you went out and did it. You put everything together, got everyone lined up and… well, to me I thought, ‘Man, she is BOLD!’”

I had felt bold in its creation. I did feel passion burning in me about what I saw coming. As he said it, I could feel that again.

Just like with everything…all the parts of us are always there. Which ones are we paying attention to? For me, I switched off of bold and switched into fear at a certain point. – just after the first few people started going missing. That might have been a good time to be bold, eh?

Ouch.

“No, you are bold. To even not think of all of the junk and unworthiness crap most people think about when faced with a creation like that. You are bold my friend. Trust me.”

As I listened to him and felt the truth of boldness in my body, I knew I have been bold. I feel that way, too, when I’m in my spirit. And, you know what…today I even feel bold in fear when it comes up. Like, a strength of courage comes up from it. Who would’ve thought? Me? Bold? Yes, I suppose so.

Anyone for a helping of boldness?

You all know I journal my dreams. What I don’t always do is share my dreams with you. I have, on occasion, shared some of the juicier ones. This one, though, is a sweet treat and reminder of what is true.

In my dream, I walked into an older house – ranch style with many people milling about inside. I walked in and saw these wool rugs hanging from the walls. Remember those rugs we used to make in the 70s where you take a little tool and loop a piece of yarn to create a piece of art? Well, they were like that and they were green and pink – very preppy. Lots and lots of pink graced the rugs. These rugs were HUGE, too. One of them almost looked like a landscaping design with waves of green and pink.

As I walked through the house, I noticed that I was drawn to this doll house that was built into the column of the house. It was like this column was a weight-bearing structure for the house that seemingly had no other walls to support the roof.

I kneeled down and opened up the doll house door and peered inside. I gasped with recognition of the sheer work it took to create this amazing piece of art. I felt like I was in my own little world in my dream.

Then, someone asked, “Do you like it?”

And I replied, “Oh yes, I LOVE it! I can feel the energy of every one of these little creations and they are magnificent!”

Then the young man replied, “Yes, we’ve always loved it. My dad was an artist and he loved to create and build these little pieces, but no one ever seemed to want to pay what they were worth, so instead of selling them, we just kept it.”

I could feel the sadness of his words, and I knew it was nothing like the magic that I felt coming from the doll house.

I said, “Oh, that’s too bad. I’m sure your father was a genius.”

The boy remarked, “Yes, he was always creating something, but he never seemed to be able to figure out the market.”

As we stood there talking, this giant, more lie GIGANTIC pink poodle came rushing up to me. Standard size is large sized, but this poodle was more like great dane sized. She jumped up on me and put her feet on my shoulders (very much like Rico has only tried to do once or twice). She was massive and the sheer weight of her pressing on me felt heavy. But underneath the enormity of her presence, I could feel a playfulness, a jaunty spirit and I also could feel that she loved me very, very much. I knew in that moment with her (inside my dream) she would do anything for me. She was a willing companion and, not only that, but she was well-trained, smart as a whip, playful, fun and had boundless energy.

The boy tried to call her down. Her name was Princess. The more he tried to get her off of me, the more she seemed to hug me. I put my hands out and rubbed her fur and realized this fur was the same fur that was on the fluffy pink and green art pieces that lined the walls. I could feel her girth under my hands and I hugged her back. She licked my face and then jumped down and trotted off as quickly as she came.

One of my mentors would often say our minds are like a pet. If Princess was any indication of my mind, she is ENORMOUS, which does not surprise me at all. What does surprise me is how well-trained I knew my mind was in the dream. And, I could tell that it had boundless energy to support me in . What I didn’t realize was it could be fun and companion-like and these two ideas felt really good.

As I processed this dream…the feeling underneath was helpful and magical. Princess brought this amazing helpful energy and I knew I could ask my mind for anything and she would retrieve it. I realized that I have trained my mind and the other parts of me, too, in a way that I am not sure most people experience day-to-day. To acknowledge this felt so good.

The doll house represented my inner wonderland. It also holds the many creations I love to create and dream of, but that I don’t always share with others. I felt so alive peering through that little door into the wonderland of the artist father.

The dream offered a glimpse into my own thoughts and limiting ideas about my favorite creations…ideas I have let go of since having this dream.

And, the art on the walls showed me what I am willing to share and display for everyone to see, yet I keep the true magic to myself, not because I don’t want to share, but because I am not sure anyone would love the magical side of life like I do…would anyone really see the value in these ideas?

And, truthfully, I didn’t value the magic side…until now. See, how it works… I say maybe you won’t value them when I am not valuing them, but as soon as I value them, then of course, you will too.

That’s the power of dreams. To be able to quickly and easily flip and dip back into your truth.

So, instead of sharing the magical side of me, Princess and I have walked the sidewalk of practicality and information. Oh, of course, my magical, sparkly Queen of Dreams slipped through, but it isn’t the same. I know it, too. We have created many things…many books that are practical and helpful and have even helped change lives. And those creations will still be part of what we create because I have parts of me very committed to that work.

Now it is time for us to spend more time in the wonderland inside of me. To create magical creations for you and to share my spirit in a way I have not been sure of until now.

Since that dream several weeks ago, I have made more decisions…to share the deeper, richer sides of me and to create from a higher place within. Dreams hold power and access to the richest sides of you…consider connecting to your dreams today!

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Last Saturday, as I shared with you all, I went to the Oprah, OWN Your Show tryouts. I didn’t get a callback, but as I mentioned, got SO many gifts for my participation!

When I woke the next morning, I had the juiciest dream about my mother. It was amazing! I’m going to share it with you here.

That night, I dreamt of my mother. I saw her in these 70s clothes with orange and pink and white swirls on the blouse (kind of like these here) – it had the bigger arms and the body was like a tunic (I’m sure you know the style – very Laugh In). Then, she was wearing orange leggings. Her hair was LONG and platinum blonde (her hair has always been blonde, but she used to get it frosted). She had it pulled up I Dream of Jeanie style and she looked BEAUTIFUL. Oh, and she was sooo slender and looked so YOUNG.

In my dream, we met at a restaurant to eat dinner and then she turned around and her legging style pants were ripped up the middle (kind of like panty hose), and I looked at her butt and I was like, “Hey, your butt looks good these days!” and she was laughing about her tights being ripped and totally didn’t care. She laughed, and said, “Yeah, who cares if anyone sees my butt!” She felt happy and radiant.

When I woke up, the energy was so yummy that I called her the next morning to tell her about it. She exclaimed, “That’s ME!” She went on to say that she DID used to look like that, and act like that When she was younger. I shared some things about orange and pink and white and what those colors represent. I told mom that she was thin and looked absolutely radiant and that it is NEVER TOO LATE to be who you know you are. Plus, she has THICK, beautiful hair and she has been chopping it for years. When I told her about the hair, she said, “Yes, I haven’t felt like ‘me’ without my hair.”

I’m not sure what going to tryout did, but I feel A-MAZING! I get a sense that mom and I are going to be doing fun things together…that feels amazing, too.

Want to join us?

For those of you wondering WHERE I have been (thanks for your emails – I’m doing fine, really!), I invite you to listen to last week’s Queen of Dreams Radio show. I’ve had an interesting few weeks of upgrading energetically to a new way of being. Absolutely everything had to go that was not true. I literally have been sick from trying to do things the forceful way!

If you are sensitive, most likely you are also experiencing dramatic shifts. I hope my show will assist you as you flow into a greater Presence and all that you truly are.

Love,

Tina

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So, let’s see. I woke up a week ago and felt inspired to invite 19 women down to Texas in late January to ‘create’ the New Year together.

I didn’t think much about it. I just wrote the email, sent it to Mark (my tech guy and darling husband) and asked him to send it out. I didn’t think… I just followed my inspiration.

Then… *poof*… Zowie… Pop! Shazam!

You all responded in an amazing way. I had no idea that so many of you have been hungry to go bigger. We received emails from you saying that you have been praying for something that would open the way. What I can say is that I am grateful we are creating together an amazing gathering early next year.

We’ll share inspired dreams and tap into higher wisdom for a creative get together that ushers in new energy around all that you are creating!

We have five spots available for those of you who want to come together and set an intention for what you will create next year. I have to say that the energy swirling around this gathering is very goddess-like. Bring the Goddess within you and join us!

A few days ago, Mark and I took my sleigh in for a check-up. I noticed this very slight vibration in the steering wheel and had no idea what it could be.

As we stood there at Sears, a young couple caught my attention. They had three children of their own, and one of the youngsters looked to be at least 12, so I knew they couldn’t be that young. I kept looking over at them, almost like I was glued energetically to them. All of a sudden, in my mind I saw them as little kids in adult clothes.

I know I fell into their energy, and I could feel their fear… money, tight, car repairs, *gulp*…and kids need shoes, clothes, sports, summer camp.

It made me think about a time about a year ago when everywhere I went all I saw were children – the inner child of every person was all I could see. It was quite unnerving, and I just wanted it to stop. And it finally did.

So here I am, standing in the auto bay at Sears experiencing this again, and I am wondering what I need to know. Why are you here?

This is what I learned…

We are all children. We are loved just like these children are loved by their parents, and the children’s children are loved, and on and on it goes in an infinite loop of love.

When we go into fear it is because we feel we need to know the answer – that we must need to have the answer. When we try to know this with our little finite minds, it will never work. It will never feel good. We will feel limited because we are using that part of us that is limited. When we open up to the greater part of who we are – that which is infinite – then we will experience infinite everything – infinite love, infinite resources, infinite support.

And, when we begin to be the children of God that we truly are, we will be like children again…trusting, loving, playing…infinitely provided for in all that we are.

I love you… no matter where you are, no matter what you have done, no matter how you feel about yourself… I love you. Pass the love on…

Yesterday, I called a friend who was feeling down. I shared from my own experience how the soul beckons us back to who we are – pure love, pure joy. I told her my story of learning how to love myself. I never thought of this story as funny, but she was laughing so hard that something in it must have been funny. Trust me, at the time, it was ANYTHING other than funny!

She said… “I have tears coming out of my eyes and they feel like not happy tears, but I’m laughing at the same time.”

That’s kind of what it feels like when you begin to return to the true you. It feels really sad at first. Like, HOW could I not care for myself anymore than this? HOW could I possibly have THOUGHT I loved myself when OBVIOUSLY I’ve been deluding myself! And your ego will really grieve how you didn’t see it all along. You might even sprinkle in some course critical comments about how “stupid” you’ve been. But, slowly, you begin again.

And the fog clears.

Then YOU get to come back and make some clear choices, and see that you really are amazing and brilliant. And wonder how ANYONE wouldn’t be able to see that – including you!

The rose is a symbol of completion…wholeness. I’ve seen this symbol so often over the years in readings – rosebuds for people who were just about to open, roses that were opening and closing for people who were saying – I want to, I don’t want to, I want to, I don’t want to, white roses, red roses, roses covered in snow, roses floating in the ocean, but mostly, I see roses and I experience the loving beauty as God wants to say… I see you!