Queen of Dreams Radio
Posts Tagged ‘Love’
Our wonder-filled vacation starts next week. We’ll spend time in three different states riding at least 100 roller coasters. We are going to a new park this time – Cedarpoint in Sandusky, Ohio! This is THE roller coaster capital of the world.
We will also head to Six Flags Great America just north of Chicago, spend some time in Chi Town in the art-museum district and take in the various sites we enjoy. We’ll stop by St. Louis to visit Six Flags there, too.
As I look at how tall Chance is growing – he’s 10 and 5 foot 4, and his foot is the size of my size 9 women’s shoe – I realize these days may not last forever. So, I will go and scream as we go up and down the roller coasters and enjoy these days, my boys and life.
I’ve taken some much needed time off after the push to complete my dissertation. I thank all of you for your kind words and notes of encouragement. I’ll be back in September… just in time for back to school.
Big hug… and lots of love.
Tina
Looking for a Dream Life:
A few months ago, I went to see Ellany, my friend and gal pal, because we planned to go get ‘makeovers.’
I can’t remember the specifics of how the comment came up when Ellany said, “I see you. When you have your make-up on, and are dressed in your girly shoes and dresses, I know that’s you. It’s SO you.”
There’s something about your truth that grabs you in the throat and heart and gut all at the same time. I blinked many times quickly so that I wouldn’t let the tears rushing from my throat to escape. I wondered, ‘Why does this touch me so deeply?’
I thought about that moment many times in the following weeks, wondering what it was that she could see and others haven’t. It reminded me of something Sonia Choquette said in one of the workshops I attended with her many years ago…I see you is the highest form of love. The truth is…I felt loved in that moment…to the depths of my soul.
It’s so easy for us to ‘see’ people’s flaws, their insecurities, their foibles, their mistakes and, sadly, I believe most people think this IS people’s truth – who they are. I know, FOR SURE, it isn’t. I have not met one person yet who doesn’t have a brimming, brightly-lit soul full of beauty and love. When we focus on people’s ‘ick,’ we energize it. When we focus on their truth, we energize it. What cuts to the negative, can just as easily cut to the positive. To see the love a person is – deep inside…that takes seeing with your heart. Looking with loving eyes.
I remember when I wrote my second book, I had many people telling me that I wasn’t this or wasn’t that. My agent at the time said I was “serious,” not whimsical and child-like like my book. She said my book was too “playful” and wasn’t “serious” enough. At the time, I was struggling to determine exactly who I was. I had been so good at being whatever I needed to be in any moment, the “me” that I am got lost along the way. My agent’s pressing words forced me to look to see what was real – what a gift!
I thought to myself, ‘Well, I can be TOO serious, but my heart, my spirit is playful. This is as “me” as it gets! I am the QUEEN OF POSSIBILITIES!!! It takes a childlike viewpoint of ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE to show up like this!’ I realized, too, that she identified with my business consultant side, which, in our experience together, had been dead serious, because her situation had required it…I showed up in the energy of ‘let’s MOVE’ because that is what the situation called for – dead serious, every moment counts, we must turn this ship around NOW!
The truth is, we all have EVERYTHING inside of us. Every facet, every aspect is waiting for us to express it, as needed. Our ‘expression’ is a blend of those facets we access most often. My entire inner (and outer) life is playing a game. If I shared how many games I have created for myself since I was a little girl, you would see that, to me, life is a big game to play. I make up games to get projects done. I make up games to clean the house. I even teach my inner games to others who just might like to play this way, too. And, just like playing a board game, the gamut of emotions are there too…serious, playful, competitive, concerned and more.
Anyone who knows me knows that I laugh a LOT…and bring a playfulness to serious things such as depression, being stuck, fear and the gamut of other human emotions we encounter along the way. I have lightened up along the way as I have discovered the game isn’t dead-serious. Do I act like I’m at the circus each day? No way – I’m playful, not a clown. One of the things I’m known for is bringing a “you can do this” attitude everywhere I go. However, I can bring a fire starter if people want it. I can bring an edge, too; however, it isn’t my preferred energy. I enjoy being laid-back, on-point and playful. Why do we need to be so SERIOUS all of the time??? Can’t we just do what we love and love the experience, including those we are serving?
That day, in the reflection of Ellany’s eyes and words, I felt that she saw me… my spirit… my truth. And, that is about as good as life gets. Pure magic! Thank you, Ellany!
Tigers…playful and yet dead-serious! 
Looking for a Dream Life:
Mark often says, “I love you.” I remember when we first met, it felt like it was SO often. As he must say it 20 times a day! He hasn’t changed in 11 years. Every day, he says, “Good morning, beautiful.” And I can feel it when he says it that he means it.
I’m not sure when he added another little adoration, but one day he looked over at me and said, “Marry me.” My response, like so many times in the past, was not quite as romantic as the affection oozing out of him. I said, “I already married you!”
He continued on, every so often, sprinkling in a “Marry me” and soon I had caught the spirit and said, “Okay! Yes!”
A few of my friends have gone through a divorce recently, and it has given me a chance to think about my own divorce from my first husband. I was SO happy to be out of a marriage that didn’t serve either one of us. I remember feeling ‘set free’ and ‘out of prison.’ The marriage was mostly my own fault as I had manipulated my way into my ex-husband’s heart, and while I didn’t feel ‘fireworks,’ we seemed to be good friends and that seemed like it could be enough. Boy, have I learned a LOT since I was 18! I remember our love life fizzling by the second year and believing that all marriages are probably the same. I saw it with some friends, and I had seen it in other families, too.
When Mark and I met, I felt like I had known him my entire life. We finished each other’s sentences and genuinely had so much fun together. Our love life was flaming hot, and he certainly seemed “too good to be true,” which I told him on more than one occasion. He said to me the second day we met, “What are you so afraid of?” And I honestly answered, “I’m afraid you will change.” He promised me that night, “I’m me. I’m only me, that’s all I know how to be.”
True to his word, he’s the same guy he was when we met – self-assured, self-confident, determined, loving, wickedly funny and sweet.
About five years ago, we attended a retreat just outside Helena, Montana. We are not vegetarians, and so by the second day we were craving something else to eat. We asked a guy from the retreat to take us into town where we rented a car and would go to town for our meals. One afternoon, we were running late to get back. We parked the car and like two little kids, shot off down the mountainside toward the main retreat house giggling and laughing. A woman caught a picture of us, and though I’m not sure what she saw, I can imagine, that the energy we exuded was vibrant and alive. She told us later, “You two give me hope that one day I will find love.” I felt grateful for her eyes to see ‘us’ in that moment.
And, thank goodness, I was soooo wrong about love fading over time and love lives losing their spark after years of marriage. Our marriage is stronger for all we’ve been through, and I often find myself laughing to the point of tears over something he has said, and then feeling so grateful for trusting him that second night.
The other day, as I drove down the road, this song (see video below) came on the radio. As I reflected on all that I’m sharing here, I felt a woosh in my heart while tears filled my eyes and a laugh gurgled out of my constricted throat. I don’t know another man on this planet that is a better match for me…I can’t even fathom it. Mark and I are so similar, and yet just different enough to keep life interesting. For that, and so much more, I’m grateful.
About 20 years ago, I received a phone call from my grandmother. She had been in a drunk driving accident, and although she was not hurt, she was very scared.
When I arrived at my grandmother’s apartment, I found her sitting on her couch looking three shades of white. She looked like a little child sitting there, and I could not imagine what she would say to me when I asked her what happened.
The accident took place over on the north side of Fort Worth off of an old highway that used to serve as a main artery for the city. I knew exactly where the accident took place because I had taken my driver’s test over there, and nearly failed it because of the two lane street that opens up to a four-lane highway confused me. I didn’t know ‘where’ to drive or which ‘lane’ went where. The four lane empties into a little two-lane street that drops down at a nearly 90 degree angle. When you point your car down that road, you literally can only see the trees above you as you descend down the road.
My grandmother was on that narrow two-lane street driving home late one night when her car veered into oncoming traffic. She had just closed my great-aunt’s bar, had had a few drinks herself and was headed home when she struck a car head-on while diving to grab her cigarette that had fallen into the floorboard.
Wow, can you imagine?
Her Chevy Caprice was totaled. My grandmother told me of a wonderful black woman who had been driving the other car. She was a ‘big’ black woman with a heavy Cadillac, and she was unhurt. “She was only worried about me…was I alright?” my grandmother said. “She cared more about me than she did about her car that was wrecked – even herself!”
My grandmother had been extremely racist her entire life. In that moment, I knew she had let it all go. My mother was not at all racist, and extremely tolerant and forgiving. My brother is half-Spanish and I am half-Native American. My grandmother had been so racist, so intolerant of our fathers. And, in that instant, not only was she healed, but so were we.
I had never seen my grandmother afraid until that day. She was terrified of what was going to happen to her. She had always done what she was supposed to – paid her taxes, followed the rules; this was beyond her rulebook.
I have written about my ex-brother-in-law who was an alcoholic, and it was his attorney that took very good care of my grandmother and kept her out of jail at 70 something years old. The black woman never pressed charges, and I can only imagine the number of angels that would create a healing scene like this.
My grandmother never drank again. After a life of cigs, beer and booze, she walked away from the alcohol and the cigarettes weren’t too far behind when her mind gave way to Alzheimer’s and she literally forgot she smoked!
Sometimes when things happen we like to tell stories, blame people, blame ourselves, and sometimes all that is needed is to receive the gifts and to say thank you.
Looking for a Dream Life:
I sent Dusty Rose, a.k.a. mom, a mother’s day card this year telling her how THANKFUL I am that she was my mother. She was a young mother, having me at 19 and my brother at 22 (just before her 23rd birthday). She didn’t impose a lot of rules on me, my sense is that it wouldn’t have mattered if she did, I would have just ignored them or broken them. She let me run wild and free. As a kid, I tromped around in the jungles and as a teenager, I put thousands of miles on my car exploring every back road and route from Aledo to Dallas, Texas.
When I was a kid, I took her allowing me to roam free as a sign of not caring about me…not caring if I got hurt or was injured. One day, while we still lived in Guam, I said, “There are wild boar out there! You know there are wild boar out there, and still you let us tromp around in the jungle looking for papayas!” When I was a teenager, I didn’t have a curfew, I could stay out as late as I wanted, sometimes I did – strolling home around 5 in the morning.
I vacillated between living with my mother and living with my grandmother throughout my life. My grandmother imposed rules and standards on how I would live with her and what I could and couldn’t do. I felt loved in these boundaries and I felt she cared. By contrast, I felt my mom didn’t care. Between the two, I got the love I truly needed – freedom AND boundaries.
I wrote to mom this mother’s day and thanked her for allowing the freedom to find out who I am and to roam like the free bird I am. She wrote back and told me: “I think we need to give your grandmother a lot of the credit here. Had she not been so controlling of me, I wouldn’t have been determined to NOT do the same thing to you.”
One of the things that happens along the road to accessing the soul’s path is ‘coming home’ to our family of origin. This is part of accepting all that we are and integrating into wholeness. I see now that ‘love’ to my mother is what she always wanted – freedom. She wanted to love me by giving me the freedom she never had. My grandmother had been such a controlling force in all of our lives…often stepping into our family unit, and she wanted to give me the freedom to be the mother I am, and to not impose her opinions and ideas onto me as well.
Today, I am grateful for both my mother and my grandmother’s influence. I see that I am a mix of both of their influences. Chance has a lot of freedom, but within boundaries Mark and I have set for him, for instance. We are all free birds, rule breakers, boundary pushers, and our family life reflects this. Because of our family make-up and design, we have the freedom to express ourselves in this way – Chance, included.
If you are awakening to your soul’s truth and find yourself drawn back into your family of origin, look for the highest truth and, there, you will find yourself.
Speaking of Dusty Rose, she is planning on having a Christmas in July party. She said she was going to go ahead and leave her Christmas decorations out on the porch until July and then just do Christmas in July! I love her style of decorating…it’s true… you can always find the road home.
Mom’s style is what you would call ‘rustic’ or ‘primitive’ and I love the vintage look. All of these ornaments are ‘vintage’ or as mom says, ‘old as dirt.’
Those Santas and ornaments were made like 30 years ago by my mom (and grandma, I think)!
Isn’t this crown the cutest little tree topper? It’s a candle wreath!
Close-up of vintage ornaments and mom’s “adopted tree” she confiscated from someone about to pitch it in the garbage. Is there any reason why I am so thrifty and crafty clever, too? I once wanted a queen sized bed for our guest bedroom (when I was married to my ex-husband). At the time, I made very little money, and so did my husband. I woke up a couple of days later and saw a wood frame sitting by the side of the road in the garbage pick up. I stopped on my way to work and hauled it home. It ended up being solid oak! It looked like a shorter version of a four-poster bed. The next week, a friend at work announced she was getting rid of her queen sized mattress. I claimed that, and hauled it home, too. Within a week, I had the guest bedroom set up just the way I wanted it!
My mom and stepdad make all kinds of birdhouses. Here, she put together a collage of three of them with some vintage canning jar candle holders.
We like to add ‘lights’ to everything! A little sparkle adds a bit of magic to everything!