Queen of Dreams Radio
Posts Tagged ‘Live Your Purpose’
I’ve been thinking about how to share this story with you. This morning, I woke up inspired to just share the whole thing and let you sift through the various ins and outs. Those of you who email me seems to like my long, rambling stories the most so here we go. I’ve written dribs and drabs of this… here’s the whole thing. Here’s to dreams!
When I was a senior in high school, I took a Creative Writing class with Mr. Bob Reed at R.L. Paschal High School in Fort Worth, Texas. For those of you who don’t know Ft. Worth, Paschal is a few blocks from Texas Christian University and our school colors were purple and white, just like TCU. Paschal is one of the oldest high schools in Fort Worth and it is situated in a historical area full of beautiful tudor-style, modern and traditional houses. I love the area because there are so much mature landscaping, including many old oak trees.
My senior year, I was dating a crazy guy…I broke up with him, but he was stalking me. So, the last six weeks of my senior year, I packed everything up, transferred to a school in Abilene, Texas (where I was born and also where my step dad’s parents lived) to finish the year.
Now, way back then, I won’t lie to you. I was all about working (as in J.O.B.), not school work. I was relentlessly bored in school and showed up just enough to play tennis, do my extracurricular activities and take the tests so I could stay in Honor Society.
Mr. Reed gave me an ultimatum. I had already missed entering my short story in the Tarrant County Junior College writing contest. Apparently Mr. Reed thought my short story, Mary Jane, which was about a little country tom girl who was in ‘like’ with her little friend, would be a contender. One of my classmates won first place in that contest I had not even entered. He told me he would drop my grade a letter if I didn’t enter my story in the next one – the TCU writing contest.
At 4:56 pm, the day it was due by 5:00 pm, I ran up the front sidewalk as fast as I could hoping I could still get the entry in. I didn’t care about the contest, I just wanted to work, I wanted to be free and do my own thing and I just wanted to get on to college. I was already going to junior college part-time. Oh, and I needed to get packed to try to get away from Mr. Stalker! I had enough to do without worrying about some contest.
I ended up running into a very helpful person who pointed me to the right office and I slid the envelope under the door just in time (literally).
I was in school in Abilene when I received a package letting me know that I had won first place. My story was printed in the newsletter with the other winners. I don’t even think I cared at the time because my attention was so far out into the future. I certainly wasn’t present. Isn’t life ironic?
When I graduated from high school, I came back to graduation ceremonies and could breathe a sign of relief because my crazy boyfriend enlisted in the Army and was shipped off. Good-bye Mr. Stalker!
I am not sure I even took the time to acknowledge my writing, my love of writing or even consider I might be able to do something in writing. For me, freedom meant money and the sooner I had more money, the faster I could get to the freedom I so desperately desired.
I initially enrolled in school for business (that’s where the money is, right?), and dabbled in the idea of journalism, but quickly rejected it once I found out how much journalists make. Ditto for teaching, which I thought would be so fun to teach kids. Ah, to go back and know what I know now!
I made my mark in business, got two degrees along the way, created a very successful consulting practice, but something still was off. True, I have been writing most of my business career – and helping many people make a lot of money with my writing – from proposals that sell, to newsletters that connect businesses to businesses, to sales letters with huge returns, to reports that convey a unique message that speaks to the heart – I’ve been writing.
Then, one day, this Queen of Dreams character came along. She was fun, she was spunky, she was me before I started focusing on the world and making my way in it! About two years after this cartoon came to mind, I received a TCU Continuing Education catalog in the mail. I found it interesting as I had never received one before nor have I received on since. I looked and there were some writing classes, and I felt pulled to attend two of them.
I signed up, sent in the check and waited for the day to arrive. When I drove to TCU (by the way, the area around TCU, which is known as TCU hill, is one of my favorite places in the world! I love Fort Worth), I felt different. I felt this amazing energy of magic in the air. When I drove through the campus, I looked over at the sidewalk where I had sprinted decades before hoping to save my grade.
The class was fun, but I knew I wasn’t there for the class. I had taken myself there to remember what I knew way back then. That I am a writer. That I love to write. That I am a talented writer. As I walked along the campus, I felt happy and alive. I felt a magical electricity in the air. It seemed to whisper, You can do this.
Many other books and movies echoed that idea to my heart repeatedly. It is only in hindsight that I can see them so clearly. Movies such as Miss Potter held me entranced in the idea of writing as an occupation. I understood what it meant to have a character talk to you. That’s what writers do. I seemed to be stumbling over writer after writer who dared to dream and, more importantly, write. Po Bronson showed up. He had lived in the maze and dared to write meaningful books on his own terms, in his own way.
At times, I felt pulled to attend a writers’ workshop the teacher mentioned during that TCU writing class. I didn’t go. I made excuses. There’s a deafening silence that your heart makes when it quits whispering. I noticed the silence. The quiet reserve of, “I’ll wait for you.”
In the meantime, I published two books – books I wrote as much for myself as for others; wrote two others and authored more articles, blog entries and other business writings than I can even keep track of. I also learned how to love myself, how to acknowledge myself without wincing inside, how to be vulnerable without withering within and how to compassionately love others as myself. It’s been a busy time of growth and introspection. I’ve been growing into myself.
I realize now, two years ago, despite all of the outward encouragement (from Jan, my book publishing consultant “You have something really special,” from many publishers who requested my manuscript, from reviewers who loved my book, the reminder of the TCU award and the others I won in school, and so many more it would be quite embarrassing to list them!) that I simply didn’t feel I had the goods. What was I waiting for?
I have known for a long time we can’t ‘give’ to someone what must come from within. For me, I had to decide to make the trek from my head to my heart. I had to leap and have faith the net would appear.
And, so I have.
I can share with you that your big dream will feel really, really, possibly humongously big! It doesn’t feel like an accomplishment goal does, which, for me, feels like getting in a car and driving to a destination. In that place, I feel I can never rest. It’s always go, go, go. The next thing, the next thing, it’s never ending. It’s exhausting to me.
For me, the waking dream feels big, wide, lush like a valley. It feels like a place you go to live in, not a place you visit before rushing off to another destination (goal). It feels like coming home. It feels magical. It feels like everything you will create is already done. It has the feeling I’ve been searching for my entire life – a place where I can rest and know I’m just where I’m supposed to be.
I recently read an article about a woman who wrote about her experience with this. She is a writer, and as soon as she published her first novel, she knew it wasn’t ‘home.’ It took her NINE books before she found her valley. Now, she is happily creating from that place. I read that, and thought, ‘That’s just how life is… we create as we go and as we create, we get clearer and clearer, fine-tuning along the way.’
The most important thing is to let your heart roam so it can guide you home.
So, what’s your juicy dream? The one that you haven’t let see the light of day?
I’m so excited that my second book, Must Be Present to Win: How to Get Out of the Ditch & Plug Back Into Passion, will be out in a few weeks. This book has been a labor IN love. I can’t wait to share it with you.
I wrote this book back in February 2008. It was finished and complete by the end of that month. I have been writing since I was a little girl and professionally for more than 20 years, so I can write a book – that’s not the hard part for me.
I want to share my journey in case you also have something on the back burner. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve left it on simmer – now is the perfect time to get going.
For me, I wrote this book and it chronicled many of the experiences I had with clients as I, myself, healed. I had some amazing moments with the writing that really took my breath away as I dutifully showed up each morning to write, write, write! I worked with an amazing book coach, Jan B. King, and she would read the pages and direct me each week.
I finished the book, sent out the review copies, pretty much did everything I was supposed to do! In May, a friend and I took off to Los Angeles to go to Book Expo America. Jan B. King and her team of creative wizards were going to show us the ropes for pitching our books to publishers. You see, Book Expo America is THE trade show for all things publishing. Imagine the biggest arena or trade center you know lined with publishers, printers, distributors – anyone who is a mover and shaker in the literary world. If you LOVE books, you MUST GO some year (BEA is in New York this year and rotates to Chicago and LA, too).
Anyway, I go with one of my best friends in the world, and we had so much fun. The trip was filled with magic on many levels.
At the time, I really struggled with who I am. I was still scared someone was going to ‘find out’ about my intuitive abilities. I kept thinking, ‘I just need to put myself out there.’ The first evening, after we arrived, we sat down for happy hour and the talk turned to a woman in San Diego who was intuitive and who was brilliant and who had really helped an attorney who was attending BEA with us. My friend kicked me under the table to say, “Seeeee!” I asked the attorney who that woman was. Sure enough, she was my friend, Abby Gooch. That was message #1.
The next day, we went to the course and everyone in the room seemed to be able to eloquently talk about themselves, their books, their companies and everything else in between. I struggled in my mind – ‘Am I selling this book? Or, my next one?’ ‘What am I selling?’ I am NOT exaggerating, at that time, I could barely sputter out a coherent sentence! This will be VERY funny later in this story.
I decided not to worry about it. I went on the trip not worried that I didn’t have my ‘selling sheet.’ I didn’t care that I didn’t even know what the title was going to be. Something about the ‘sales end’ of thinking and the way I create just weren’t playing well together. So, I made a decision to relax and just enjoy the speakers and then get going.
That’s exactly what I did.
I listened intently as Mimi Donaldson, Speaker Extraordinaire spoke about how she envisioned being the “NO STRESS” Queen of America, and how her book, Bless Your Stress has been successful and it garnered a $250,000 advance – huge back then, and especially for an unknown author (her co-author actually was the one who sold the book). Then, I listened to the Wealthy Bag Lady, Linda Hollander, tell about how she secured her book deal and how that worked. As I listened, completely calm from letting my mind rest for a while, I realized that both of their stories had very little to do with the actual book. They were selling themselves!
Now, that I could do!
Relieved to have a strategy to go to the ‘show’ with, I enjoyed the rest of the day, decided not to do a little sheet about my book (despite having it 90% complete), and enjoyed the day. I felt amazing. That night, as I got ready to go to sleep, my mind kicked in again saying I needed to research and think about these things. “You need to at least make some notes,” it chided. Okay, okay, I said as I started looking over the monumental amount of workshops and speakers’ appearances. Oh, Judy Blume is going to be there! I love her. She’s the whole reason why I decided to be a writer in the first place! That was really the only person I wanted to see except for Debbie Macomber (who I kept being guided to even though I have never read any of her books) and a little boy who I believe was 7 who wrote a book. I wondered if there was something wrong with me that I didn’t want to ‘learn’ more, but just let it go.
As I turned off the light (my friend long ago sound asleep – she said it was okay to leave the light on), I heard a familiar voice. “Tina, what is your biggest dream?” It was my sweet guide, Ricah, and he wanted to know what my dream was. Oh, that’s easy, I thought. But, as I tried to connect to what I thought I wanted, I couldn’t. It was as if the images would show up and then disappear. They would show up and then disappear. I was like, what??? I was trying to convince myself that what I wanted was an upgrade to my old dream. You know, the dream we all have when we are little girls. The one that includes the house, the husband and children? Somehow, for me, the thought of a bigger house didn’t feel good. The thought of more simply felt like a burden. I didn’t want more. And, I realized in that moment, I didn’t know what I wanted!
Then he gently said, “Now, I want you to dream even bigger.” At the time, I was surrounded on three sides by water. Our hotel room overlooked Marina Del Ray Bay and though I felt uber connected, I felt spacy at the same time. Throw in a mind that doesn’t want to sit still and I was a force to be reckoned with. The thought of dreaming bigger felt good. But, I didn’t have an image to go with it. My mind chimed in again, “How can the QUEEN of Dreams not have a dream herself?” It was all too much. I fell asleep looking out at the water through the open window of our room, wondering if anyone would miss me if I jumped into one of the sail boats outside and sailed away.
The next morning came early. I woke up with an amazing energy running through my body, got up, walked around the marina, came back and got ready to go. I felt like I was on fire! This was Message #2. I had no idea why, but I felt amazing. I ended up being able to ride to the show with the attorney who worked with Abby. I asked her questions about what led her to Abby’s door. I wondered more about why an attorney would reach out to an intuitive than I did the actual circumstances of this woman’s life that led her there. I recognized that I didn’t want the sordid details of personal crisis, I wanted the decision point. The conversation further amplified the energy moving through me. I wasn’t worried about the day because I planned to just get the lay of the land and pitch the next day.
I wish I could write you a book, but I’m sure you have things to do, so I’m going to stick with the highlights. At some point during the first morning, I had covered so much ground, so quickly, I decided to start pitching because I was bored. Not bored with the books, but bored of ‘getting the lay of the land.’ So, I started out. I started talking to each publisher that publishes books I really enjoy and who has authors like me. Now, I’m a strange bird – half intuitive, half business/life strategist – so I decided to go for those who know these types of people.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been fascinated with books and people’s stories. I love to hear people’s stories. I catalog them in my mind and they pop out at the perfect time. I also catalog publishers. Crown, Wiley, Hay House, Conari, New World, Fireside are some of my favorites. I care about these authors and their material. Now, I learned at the conference there are these things called ‘imprints,’ which are smaller divisions of a big publishing house. For example, Crown is part of Random House.
I had a ‘dream’ list in my mind of publishers who publish authors I love. I went to the first one. My strategy was to do exactly what I do in business – learn about them, and then wait for them to ask me about myself. I asked, “What kind of material are you looking for?” The associate editor told me, and then I glanced down and saw that the house added a new division. It seems, both parts of me were covered by two parts of this publisher. I asked, “What if I am a cross between both of these?” He pulled out a card, and asked me to send him my manuscript.
I went to the next one, did the same thing, and got another invitation. And the next, the next, and the next.
Soon, I felt pretty confident. I didn’t have one rejection. I decided to go to a publisher that wasn’t a fit to see if it was just a fluke. Sure enough, they said, you aren’t a fit. Okay, great! I felt exhilarated inside. Happy and on purpose. I went to share with Jan what was going on, and she was so encouraging. I decided to go for the publisher I have felt pulled to forever – Random House, specifically Crown because the books they are putting out now are to die for!
I went over to the Crown booth, and there are a ton of reps there. By this time, I realized that the LA show for BEA doesn’t get the ‘big editors’ to attend like the New York show does. That is okay. I went up to the Crown booth and started to feel into who would be best to talk to, and this barracuda moved in and started barking at this woman … Who is your editor? How do I send my manuscript? It felt like a machine gun of questions. The woman bristled and told her they don’t work with non-agented authors. Good-bye Ms. Barracuda! The Crown rep then looked at me and I asked, “Is there room for a mix between Sweet Potato Queen and Tim Ferriss in your authors?” She said, “You can write about business and be funny, too?” And I said, “Yes, I can.” She said, “Do you have an agent?” I said, “No, but I’m open to working with one.” At the time, Jan encouraged us to try to sell our books without an agent. The thought was that we could always get one later.
What happened next surprised me.
She said, “Okay, write this down. You need to go to this site [its in my notes, but can’t remember it now] and find an agent. Once you have an agent, you need to send your manuscript to this email address. My name is X and you can say I sent you.” This was Message #3.
I was stunned. I had been holding off going to my ‘dream’ publisher and here this woman had been the MOST helpful so far! I practically ran back to Jan with the good news. At the same time my heart was soaring, another part of me felt sad, scared. I had no idea what this was. I should have been on top of the world. I felt sad, and it was unmistakable.
Jan congratulated me and then she also picked up on my emotions. I felt so good, and so bad at the same time. WHAT was happening? She told me about a woman who had people chasing her down the hallway at BEA, and this woman ran away. She said she had no idea why the woman did this, but she did. I didn’t realize it then, but I would end up doing the same thing – despite the overwhelming evidence that I had the goods that the publishers wanted.
The funniest thing that happened was the ladies who saw me struggling with my pitch the day before were like, “YOU are the one who has the most invitations?” I laughed realizing it made no sense at all, but I didn’t ‘pitch’ – I did things my way.
Why am I telling you this? Why would I share this looong story with you? I am telling you this because I want you to know I’ve seen clients do this, I’ve done it, others do it, and it doesn’t matter. It is simply part of your story. So what? Today is a new day, as my mom says, what are you going to do with it?
Today, it is two years later, and I now understand what happened to me that day. I was incongruent inside. I knew the content in the pages of my book, and I was teaching others, but I didn’t feel I could be in integrity if I wasn’t living them myself.
I knew who I was at that time, but I definitely didn’t love myself enough to fully live the work I was teaching. It took me another year to really learn how to receive love from others and love myself fully, and then another year to determine how I wanted to serve and show up in the world. Today, I realize I’m a catalyst – that is super fast energy. This is really how I LOVE to play. It doesn’t mean you have to move fast, just that this is how I’m wired to be. I can write a book in a week. I can create a workshop in a day. Learning how to accept all that I am has been a gift beyond anything I could have ever imagined. There are so many opinions out there!!
An interesting thing happened along the way. I learned you can’t love yourself and then put yourself back in the grinder (or at least not for long)! Does it mean I am perfect and have all the answers? No, it does not (see my post tomorrow), but it does mean I can safely get back to the path without too much damage to my heart, soul or mind.
NOW, I’m ready to go bigger! Is my way your way? No. Many people go for it and they are ready. I think of Carrie Underwood and Taylor Swift in that category. Some people go for it and they skyrocket to high levels and quickly fizzle out. Some get there and drink, drug or eat themselves into oblivion. It doesn’t matter what your way is, just find it and stick with it. Joseph Campbell says that if there’s a path already formed, then you can be sure it is not your path. How true! Life is an adventure in creating your path.
Two years ago, I would have shifted my power to the book. I would have said the book is valuable – I am not even though I created the book. The book is the power – I am not even though what is in there comes directly from my heart. Two years ago, I am not sure I was strong enough to go through what happens when you put yourself out in the world. Today, I am.
The most important piece of the puzzle, by far, is that I am not trying to get somewhere as a result of any success I might enjoy. I simply have a message I want to share that I believe can serve people, and I want to share it through writing, speaking and teaching (a.k.a. consulting in business). This is an amazing place to be.
What is on your back burner simmering? Two years is a long time, but the soup that simmers long is nice and hot!
This isn’t my final book cover…it is soooo cute.
P.S. Thank you to every Messenger who came on my path in the last two years – some helped in what appeared to be positive ways, some in what appeared to be negative ways – in all ways, it was ALL GOOD. Each one helped in their own unique way. I am grateful for all of you!