Queen of Dreams Radio
Posts Tagged ‘Live Your Life’
Back in 1996, I was a 27-year-old contemplating ending the marriage I knew wasn’t right to begin with. I had entered into the relationship 8 years earlier knowing I wasn’t in love, but I was desperate to leave the safety of my grandmother’s house and the marriage seemed like as likely a ticket out as any other. I didn’t believe I could do it on my own…I had tried that once with a roommate right out of high school and attracted all kinds of experiences that found me racing back to her within 6 weeks. To say I entered a marriage for convenience may sound cold and harsh, but the reality was that my then-husband and I were good friends, had enough in common that days were never boring and we could stand long stretches of time together without wanting to kill each other.
During that 8 years, I gained 73 pounds. Nearly 10 pounds a year, on average. With him, I found a sense of ‘home base’ and began to slowly make my way out into the world. Though I felt infinitely confident in my own abilities, I had many fears about the world at large. With my home base set, I could venture out little by little and begin to grow my courage.
What I didn’t know then that I know now was that as confined as I felt to my grandmother’s support and apartment – her space – I just transferred that self-created prison to my new husband and the marriage. Suddenly, there I was, venturing out more and more, feeling more adventurous and yet always feeling the tether back to home base that would call me back time and time again. I was never, ever quite ‘free.’
My husband struggled with depression. He seemed to always be up or down. There was no in-between. Thank goodness he wasn’t bi-polar, his tendency seemed to be directly tied to his every day experiences. If he sold that day, he was up. If he didn’t, he was down. I had unknowingly entered into my mother’s life’s story. I dutifully played the part by working two and three jobs just like she and my grandmother did. I literally was too busy to even contemplate whether or not I was happy. I ran around working 60 to 80 hours a week ensuring we could pay our bills. I often would come home to my husband asleep in bed at 5 pm.
One day, I came home and just ‘knew’ it was time to go. After that, I left a hundred times in my mind before I uttered the words. By the time I did say them, I had no emotional fight, no compassionate reserve for the depression, I simply had to go. I had grown enough to feel that perhaps I could make it by myself. My mother’s life story always surrounded her dependence…on her mother…on her husbands. I figured, I can always go live with mom if I can’t do this. I have to try.
I looked at my house, I looked at my dogs and I said good-bye to my ex and all of what I had spent nearly a decade creating. I felt alive in a way I had never felt. I had nothing except the car I just paid off and a few pieces of furniture, my clothes and books.
A wave of thoughts, ideas, longings and unmet desires met me at the doorstep that evening. It was as if all the things I wanted to do came bubbling up with the energy of freedom. I thought, I could move anywhere. I could move to Florida, to Illinois, to New Mexico. I could go to school anywhere. I realized my ex-husband didn’t ‘do’ any of this to me. He didn’t keep me confined…he didn’t say no…it was all the stuff in between us that was said in a conversation, a fleeting remark where I had taken each one and labeled these “he doesn’t like this” and “he doesn’t like that” and the death knell…I have to bend myself into a pretzel to live within all of these spoken twigs that weaved themselves into a prison cell.
The freeing moment … the moment that allowed me to leave that relationship despite my faith and fear of condemnation was looking at the situation and telling myself the truth. I had been hanging on to this home base for support when, in reality, I was the one supporting the home base. I supported it financially, emotionally, spiritually and in many physical ways, too. My ex is a dear, sensitive soul, and I knew he deserved to be in a relationship with someone who adored him. I had held on to his potential for years…clinging on to what I could see so clearly inside of him…urging him to live it, but the anguish of watching him over and over again start to soar and then plummet to Earth was more heartbreaking than any person should ever have to bear. I loved the man he would come to be…I did not love the man he was in that moment.
I do not mean to imply I was any rose at the time, either. We were a match at many levels…and yet, his unwillingness to grow actually gave me the strength…the gift to do what he would not. When I let go of the marriage, I also let go of trying to help him see his own light. When I dared to accept him just as he was…to let go. That’s when I entered into my own acceptance.
How I would not know how much farther I had to go to fully let go!
Looking for a Dream Life:
One of my favorite quotes ever is by Marie Beynon Ray.
“Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand — and melting like a snowflake.”
Isn’t that the most delicious few lines ever dotted with such scrumptious imagery? I keep that on my desk propped up against an angel a friend gave to me. Every time I read it – every time – and I have read it MANY times – I feel an energy inside of me that responds to its truth.
Today as I read it again, for some reason, I wondered, ‘Who is Marie Beynon Ray? Does she have any books I can read?’
I mean, honestly, a soul that can write a quote like this one is someone who could write a book I would definitely want to read.
Turns out that another author was thinking the same thing. Marie Snider, who writes the syndicated column, This Side of 60, wrote a thoughtful column about Ray.
And, as writers tend to do…she ended it with another Marie Beynon Ray quote worthy of sharing and remembering:
“No one grows old by living, only by losing interest in living.”
Well, if that isn’t the truth? I lift my glass to each of you and toast your amazing life. May you live it well!
Looking for a Dream Life:
It’s been three months exactly from my first post on easy weight loss. So much has happened! I wanted to share some of what has been going on, what I’ve heard from others who have been sharing their results and some thoughts I’ve had in between.
On the subject of feeling…I remembered back in high school when I used the ‘feelings’ (energy) of others to lose weight. At the time, I had no idea what I was doing, but now I know exactly what I was doing and why I got the results I did. Back then, I was a very overweight 13 year old. I wanted desperately to wear cool clothes and to be part of the ‘in’ crowd. One day, the idea to ‘pretend’ to be like one of the ladies I saw who was really thin (fit never entered my mind, I wanted to look thin!) popped into my mind.
What I was doing energetically was connecting to these women as a collective. The more I tuned in to their energy, the more my behavior changed. That was the summer I became anorexic, but I really wasn’t ‘consciously’ doing it…I was simply following the energy and doing what came to me. The energy of the collective was controlled. I remember wanting a candy bar one day and this constraining feeling came to me instantly…control, resisting = good. The more I tuned into control, resisting and the feeling of achievement with being these, the less I ate. The less I ate, the better I felt. Remember…control, resisting = good. I lost 80 lbs. in just over 3 months. I mastered my body in the most destructive of ways. Whew! That’s when I also tuned into the compulsive exercising energy, too. Let’s put it this way… no one should be working out 11 hours a day – ever.
Alas, I have vowed to master and commit to my physical in the highest way for all parts of me this time – once and for all!
So far, this is what has happened:
1. I have really felt intense love for my body – flaws and all. I had a photo shoot and really had fun! Mark and I did our first video that was equally as fun. I just really don’t have the desire to judge my body at all. I appreciate how adaptable it has been and how strong it is. Others have sent emails saying that they are also feeling more love for their bodies – where they are, right now. The journey doesn’t feel like a competition with time, it is just a trip to feeling good physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. Isn’t that cool?
2. At some point in the last three months, I had an epiphany around shifting from the inside-out. The point is to let go of all of the ‘trappings’ of the external reference point that affect the internal. These include anything that feed the part of me that habituates to ‘keeping score’… the measuring, the results, the getting to a destination… all of these energize the part of me that has helped me be very successful, but has also created an unhappiness that keeps me from being me. I let go of measuring through scales and measuring tape (an old friend). The clothes sizes…the noticing is as it happens… I’m not focused on them, they are simply part of the experience.I’ve gone down two sizes in my shirt size. My oversized workout t-shirts look like night shirts now. It’s almost time to go shopping for new under garments. VS…here we come! It’s like praise of any sort… nice, but not necessary.
3. The day I remembered my experience from 13 years old, the memory literally just popped into my mind. I thought, ‘Well, I don’t want to go that far again…but I could definitely tune into a ‘fit’ energy and work from that flow of what is best for me.’ So, I’ve been doing this (not regularly like I did before), and it is fascinating how wonderful it is to have a boost. There’s a flow to eating what I want (including chocolate cake and pie) or what I’m craving, and cutting back in other areas without ‘thinking’ about it. It’s been fascinating. I have the most incredible urges to work out… like I used to. I’ve done it once. Now that the book is put to bed, I’ll spend some time exploring how I want to work out now. Walking is always a welcome way to connect with my body.
4. I also noticed that there’s an energy or feeling to truly desiring something intensely. At 13, I intensely wanted to change my body that I didn’t like. At nearly 42, I simply love my body and want to enjoy it in every way I can. I don’t have an intensity to change like I did before. I don’t loathe myself. Surely there’s an intense desire I can connect to now. I keep going back to that free wheeling image I got at the start of this journey… cartwheels in the backyard. There’s absolutely the yummiest, free feeling associated with it. The childlike feeling I’m experiencing internally is a match to cartwheels and jumping on the trampoline. That feels good. I’ll keep you posted if new things come up.
5. Noticings. I’m not sure what this one means, but I’ve been noticing how small people’s shoulders are. We watched Back to the Future (the first original movie) and I noticed how tiny the people were in that movie. I’ve been noticing this in other situations as well. We watched Father of the Bride and the people in that movie appeared to be even smaller. I never noticed this before. As I’ve been noticing their smaller shoulders, I’ve also noticed my own. Wow, isn’t that interesting? I’ve also been noticing athletes. Perhaps my inner athlete is waking up. Isn’t this so much easier?
One last thing. During the last two weeks of getting my book to press, and as I relapsed into my old achiever ways, I noticed that I ate unconsciously and ravenously. I would reach for coffee and tea like old friends, and keep going. The sharp contrast between my joyous creating of the weeks before with the pressure being applied (errors in the graphics and a deadline of announcing the book’s arrival) brought back unconscious old habits. I noticed these, and vowed to set a schedule, work environment that uplifts me and allows me to love myself. Life really is too short to live any other way.
Send me your stories…letters[at]TinaFerguson.com I’m collecting these for my book that will share this process and share with others how they can do it too!
Looking for a Dream Life:
Yesterday, I enjoyed an amazing session with Dorine Fernandez, M.A. LAc, a Diplomat of Oriental Medicine, and wonderful acupuncturist. As I closed my eyes and breathed in the stillness, I heard this song in my head…live, live, live… sung to the Beatles song, All You Need is Love.
I smiled feeling the humor in this simple, sweet message. Ah, yes… live, live, live…that’s where it is, isn’t it?
