Queen of Dreams Radio
Posts Tagged ‘Live Your Dreams’
Back in 1996, I was a 27-year-old contemplating ending the marriage I knew wasn’t right to begin with. I had entered into the relationship 8 years earlier knowing I wasn’t in love, but I was desperate to leave the safety of my grandmother’s house and the marriage seemed like as likely a ticket out as any other. I didn’t believe I could do it on my own…I had tried that once with a roommate right out of high school and attracted all kinds of experiences that found me racing back to her within 6 weeks. To say I entered a marriage for convenience may sound cold and harsh, but the reality was that my then-husband and I were good friends, had enough in common that days were never boring and we could stand long stretches of time together without wanting to kill each other.
During that 8 years, I gained 73 pounds. Nearly 10 pounds a year, on average. With him, I found a sense of ‘home base’ and began to slowly make my way out into the world. Though I felt infinitely confident in my own abilities, I had many fears about the world at large. With my home base set, I could venture out little by little and begin to grow my courage.
What I didn’t know then that I know now was that as confined as I felt to my grandmother’s support and apartment – her space – I just transferred that self-created prison to my new husband and the marriage. Suddenly, there I was, venturing out more and more, feeling more adventurous and yet always feeling the tether back to home base that would call me back time and time again. I was never, ever quite ‘free.’
My husband struggled with depression. He seemed to always be up or down. There was no in-between. Thank goodness he wasn’t bi-polar, his tendency seemed to be directly tied to his every day experiences. If he sold that day, he was up. If he didn’t, he was down. I had unknowingly entered into my mother’s life’s story. I dutifully played the part by working two and three jobs just like she and my grandmother did. I literally was too busy to even contemplate whether or not I was happy. I ran around working 60 to 80 hours a week ensuring we could pay our bills. I often would come home to my husband asleep in bed at 5 pm.
One day, I came home and just ‘knew’ it was time to go. After that, I left a hundred times in my mind before I uttered the words. By the time I did say them, I had no emotional fight, no compassionate reserve for the depression, I simply had to go. I had grown enough to feel that perhaps I could make it by myself. My mother’s life story always surrounded her dependence…on her mother…on her husbands. I figured, I can always go live with mom if I can’t do this. I have to try.
I looked at my house, I looked at my dogs and I said good-bye to my ex and all of what I had spent nearly a decade creating. I felt alive in a way I had never felt. I had nothing except the car I just paid off and a few pieces of furniture, my clothes and books.
A wave of thoughts, ideas, longings and unmet desires met me at the doorstep that evening. It was as if all the things I wanted to do came bubbling up with the energy of freedom. I thought, I could move anywhere. I could move to Florida, to Illinois, to New Mexico. I could go to school anywhere. I realized my ex-husband didn’t ‘do’ any of this to me. He didn’t keep me confined…he didn’t say no…it was all the stuff in between us that was said in a conversation, a fleeting remark where I had taken each one and labeled these “he doesn’t like this” and “he doesn’t like that” and the death knell…I have to bend myself into a pretzel to live within all of these spoken twigs that weaved themselves into a prison cell.
The freeing moment … the moment that allowed me to leave that relationship despite my faith and fear of condemnation was looking at the situation and telling myself the truth. I had been hanging on to this home base for support when, in reality, I was the one supporting the home base. I supported it financially, emotionally, spiritually and in many physical ways, too. My ex is a dear, sensitive soul, and I knew he deserved to be in a relationship with someone who adored him. I had held on to his potential for years…clinging on to what I could see so clearly inside of him…urging him to live it, but the anguish of watching him over and over again start to soar and then plummet to Earth was more heartbreaking than any person should ever have to bear. I loved the man he would come to be…I did not love the man he was in that moment.
I do not mean to imply I was any rose at the time, either. We were a match at many levels…and yet, his unwillingness to grow actually gave me the strength…the gift to do what he would not. When I let go of the marriage, I also let go of trying to help him see his own light. When I dared to accept him just as he was…to let go. That’s when I entered into my own acceptance.
How I would not know how much farther I had to go to fully let go!
Looking for a Dream Life:
I’ve been thinking about how to share this story with you. This morning, I woke up inspired to just share the whole thing and let you sift through the various ins and outs. Those of you who email me seems to like my long, rambling stories the most so here we go. I’ve written dribs and drabs of this… here’s the whole thing. Here’s to dreams!
When I was a senior in high school, I took a Creative Writing class with Mr. Bob Reed at R.L. Paschal High School in Fort Worth, Texas. For those of you who don’t know Ft. Worth, Paschal is a few blocks from Texas Christian University and our school colors were purple and white, just like TCU. Paschal is one of the oldest high schools in Fort Worth and it is situated in a historical area full of beautiful tudor-style, modern and traditional houses. I love the area because there are so much mature landscaping, including many old oak trees.
My senior year, I was dating a crazy guy…I broke up with him, but he was stalking me. So, the last six weeks of my senior year, I packed everything up, transferred to a school in Abilene, Texas (where I was born and also where my step dad’s parents lived) to finish the year.
Now, way back then, I won’t lie to you. I was all about working (as in J.O.B.), not school work. I was relentlessly bored in school and showed up just enough to play tennis, do my extracurricular activities and take the tests so I could stay in Honor Society.
Mr. Reed gave me an ultimatum. I had already missed entering my short story in the Tarrant County Junior College writing contest. Apparently Mr. Reed thought my short story, Mary Jane, which was about a little country tom girl who was in ‘like’ with her little friend, would be a contender. One of my classmates won first place in that contest I had not even entered. He told me he would drop my grade a letter if I didn’t enter my story in the next one – the TCU writing contest.
At 4:56 pm, the day it was due by 5:00 pm, I ran up the front sidewalk as fast as I could hoping I could still get the entry in. I didn’t care about the contest, I just wanted to work, I wanted to be free and do my own thing and I just wanted to get on to college. I was already going to junior college part-time. Oh, and I needed to get packed to try to get away from Mr. Stalker! I had enough to do without worrying about some contest.
I ended up running into a very helpful person who pointed me to the right office and I slid the envelope under the door just in time (literally).
I was in school in Abilene when I received a package letting me know that I had won first place. My story was printed in the newsletter with the other winners. I don’t even think I cared at the time because my attention was so far out into the future. I certainly wasn’t present. Isn’t life ironic?
When I graduated from high school, I came back to graduation ceremonies and could breathe a sign of relief because my crazy boyfriend enlisted in the Army and was shipped off. Good-bye Mr. Stalker!
I am not sure I even took the time to acknowledge my writing, my love of writing or even consider I might be able to do something in writing. For me, freedom meant money and the sooner I had more money, the faster I could get to the freedom I so desperately desired.
I initially enrolled in school for business (that’s where the money is, right?), and dabbled in the idea of journalism, but quickly rejected it once I found out how much journalists make. Ditto for teaching, which I thought would be so fun to teach kids. Ah, to go back and know what I know now!
I made my mark in business, got two degrees along the way, created a very successful consulting practice, but something still was off. True, I have been writing most of my business career – and helping many people make a lot of money with my writing – from proposals that sell, to newsletters that connect businesses to businesses, to sales letters with huge returns, to reports that convey a unique message that speaks to the heart – I’ve been writing.
Then, one day, this Queen of Dreams character came along. She was fun, she was spunky, she was me before I started focusing on the world and making my way in it! About two years after this cartoon came to mind, I received a TCU Continuing Education catalog in the mail. I found it interesting as I had never received one before nor have I received on since. I looked and there were some writing classes, and I felt pulled to attend two of them.
I signed up, sent in the check and waited for the day to arrive. When I drove to TCU (by the way, the area around TCU, which is known as TCU hill, is one of my favorite places in the world! I love Fort Worth), I felt different. I felt this amazing energy of magic in the air. When I drove through the campus, I looked over at the sidewalk where I had sprinted decades before hoping to save my grade.
The class was fun, but I knew I wasn’t there for the class. I had taken myself there to remember what I knew way back then. That I am a writer. That I love to write. That I am a talented writer. As I walked along the campus, I felt happy and alive. I felt a magical electricity in the air. It seemed to whisper, You can do this.
Many other books and movies echoed that idea to my heart repeatedly. It is only in hindsight that I can see them so clearly. Movies such as Miss Potter held me entranced in the idea of writing as an occupation. I understood what it meant to have a character talk to you. That’s what writers do. I seemed to be stumbling over writer after writer who dared to dream and, more importantly, write. Po Bronson showed up. He had lived in the maze and dared to write meaningful books on his own terms, in his own way.
At times, I felt pulled to attend a writers’ workshop the teacher mentioned during that TCU writing class. I didn’t go. I made excuses. There’s a deafening silence that your heart makes when it quits whispering. I noticed the silence. The quiet reserve of, “I’ll wait for you.”
In the meantime, I published two books – books I wrote as much for myself as for others; wrote two others and authored more articles, blog entries and other business writings than I can even keep track of. I also learned how to love myself, how to acknowledge myself without wincing inside, how to be vulnerable without withering within and how to compassionately love others as myself. It’s been a busy time of growth and introspection. I’ve been growing into myself.
I realize now, two years ago, despite all of the outward encouragement (from Jan, my book publishing consultant “You have something really special,” from many publishers who requested my manuscript, from reviewers who loved my book, the reminder of the TCU award and the others I won in school, and so many more it would be quite embarrassing to list them!) that I simply didn’t feel I had the goods. What was I waiting for?
I have known for a long time we can’t ‘give’ to someone what must come from within. For me, I had to decide to make the trek from my head to my heart. I had to leap and have faith the net would appear.
And, so I have.
I can share with you that your big dream will feel really, really, possibly humongously big! It doesn’t feel like an accomplishment goal does, which, for me, feels like getting in a car and driving to a destination. In that place, I feel I can never rest. It’s always go, go, go. The next thing, the next thing, it’s never ending. It’s exhausting to me.
For me, the waking dream feels big, wide, lush like a valley. It feels like a place you go to live in, not a place you visit before rushing off to another destination (goal). It feels like coming home. It feels magical. It feels like everything you will create is already done. It has the feeling I’ve been searching for my entire life – a place where I can rest and know I’m just where I’m supposed to be.
I recently read an article about a woman who wrote about her experience with this. She is a writer, and as soon as she published her first novel, she knew it wasn’t ‘home.’ It took her NINE books before she found her valley. Now, she is happily creating from that place. I read that, and thought, ‘That’s just how life is… we create as we go and as we create, we get clearer and clearer, fine-tuning along the way.’
The most important thing is to let your heart roam so it can guide you home.
So, what’s your juicy dream? The one that you haven’t let see the light of day?
Where in the world is this summer already going?
I’m sending out a newsletter in a few about Velma Gallant’s and my DREAM CAMP for this summer. Velma is known as the Queen of Joy and I’m known as the Queen of Dreams, so who better to get together to have a rockin’ good time while we encourage others to experience the JOY of living your DREAMS?
This is an EXPERIENTIAL camp…come be with us, or join us through the forum that unites you with others stepping into new creations. Your journey will START immediately…be READY!
For more details, go here. Look for more info in this weeks newsletter. As always, TODAY, is the day to live your Truth!
Big hug-
Tina
My mom, a.k.a. Dusty Rose, called me the other day and gushed about a somewhat new book called Journal Bliss: Creative Prompts to Unleash Your Inner Eccentric by Violette. Pronounced (vee-oh-let). She’s getting me one so I haven’t SEEN it, but if my mother the artist is THAT excited about it, I bet it is REALLY good! Ooooh, I’m wondering if Violette would come be on our show???? That feels like fun!
Now, you know when someone goes by just one name, there’s something special about that person (think Madonna, Cher, Fergie). And, it is no doubt true about Miss Violette herself.
I’ve spent hours watching her on YouTube, and could literally insert myself into her Magic Cottage. It is so yummy! And artful… and blissful!
So, what color is Violette? Violette is every color of the rainbow dipped in shimmery glitter (which we LOVE), and wrapped up in a delicate layer of love with a dash of possibility.
Check out her book, and check out the Magic Cottage too… grab a cup of tea and enjoy!
Oh, and you have to see her workshop too… although I don’t think Violette calls it a ‘work’ shop! 
Oh, here it is right here on the video… STUDIO. Of COURSE, that is what ALL artists have – a STUDIO!
YUM-O! Have fun!
So, I just hung up with a client today, and am so EXCITED about feedback in her experience. Why excited?
Well, without going into great detail, when I first work with a client, we establish a baseline… a ‘best’ for each person. We come together to reach this ‘best’ and then break that ‘barrier’ to go for unlimited possibility.
Today, she hit that ‘best’ and now we are in the possibility zone!
For many, the possibility zone is too scary to live in because you can’t possibly KNOW what is going to happen there (it’s all open – ANYTHING is possible) and you can’t know the RULES there because there aren’t any. As I say often, it isn’t for everyone, but man what a rush!
She has systematically applied the Rapid Success principles and lived in the moment to achieve a super fast response… I’m so proud of her and so excited for her too because what I know… from working with many others just like her… this is an amazing place to live in boundless creativity and Truth. I want everyone to be able to live here!
Wow… SO EXCITED!
