Yesterday, as the sun went down, Mark and I sat in the back by the pool talking about his business, talking about my next project (at least one book about manifesting and the principles of creation), talking about marketing and what we see clients doing and also moving to a new house. The conversation was like many between long-time married couples who drift easily from subject to subject without transitions – a seeming long list of ‘to-dos’ that we will work together to create.

In the middle of the conversation, the subject of ‘we’ and ‘my’ came up. I tend to say ‘we’ for many things, and ‘my’ for ‘my projects.’ He always gives me a hrrrmph when I do that because he says it is ‘ours.’ This bone of contention ran through my business years, too, as he would say ‘our’ clients when ‘I’ was the one doing the work, ‘I’ was the one dealing with the personalities that came along with the work, ‘I’ was the one that was doing all of the administrivia and on and on. I didn’t feel that his occasional run to FedEx with me in tow at 9:45 PM to mail a client’s project ‘counted’ enough to be ‘partners’ and the business, as I saw it, certainly was not ‘ours’ though the money from it was shared willingly and freely for all those years I had it.

Yesterday, in the lap of our backyard with the blue pool at our feet, surrounded by the roses and holly berries with me maybe eight or so years wiser, I let my guard down around the subject and opened my mind to consider what he may be seeing or feeling.

I feel at ‘one’ in nearly every other area and expression in my life – Why not this one? Why is it that I feel the need to stake claim?

As we peeled back the layers, I finally said, “Well, I’m the author of this creation – that’s why it is mine.”

He replied, to what was already streaming through my mind, “Why is it that you are always fine with being about ‘oneness’ and it takes all of us to get to where we are going, and you TEACH this, but when it comes to your writing you act like it’s all yours?”

I have to admit…I didn’t know why. I just had this feeling in the pit of my stomach – a perceived truth to his words.

Then, he said, “You just don’t get it. Everything is all of ours.”

He began to give me a list of things he does to make my writing life possible. He listens. He responds to me when I ask, “Does this make sense to you?” He cooks my meals (and always has). He brings me coffee in the morning.

I can do all of those things for myself I reasoned. They are nice, but I don’t have to have them. But to write! There’s so much to do… listening and listening and gathering the drops as they come in, and the putting them on paper – actually getting them out of my consciousness and into this world! There’s work to do!

I jumped to something that came to me in my inner defense… “I have no need to claim anything you are working on. Your business is your business. I enjoy helping you and I don’t need to be considered a ‘part’ of it. I give freely.” There it was…separation. This time I couldn’t ignore it.

“Maybe that’s true, but you are. What’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine.”

I bristled. “But you aren’t the one doing the work to write and to reflect and to collect all of these little messages that are coming in all day every day!” I exclaimed.

Then he said it. “Writing is easy for you. You write books like some people write articles. It just flows out of you like water.”

I swallowed hard because it was true – at least that part was true. And, somehow coming out of his mouth in actual words I felt like it discounted the process – the writing. That maybe it is too easy.

We drifted to another topic content to agree to somewhat disagree and somewhat to agree.

Later that night, I realized the writing IS easy for me…like breathing. I listen and follow. The structural part is more challenging. Putting myself out there even more so. The facing the business aspect from my true core as a creative soul has been the greatest challenge – even though I know what to do! I know how to run a business. I know how to grow businesses, but when I’m in my creative heart, I tend to be like other creative souls.

Our conversation simmered in the back of my mind. Something Mark said to me, “At the end of the day, Tina, you can’t be like everyone else. You can’t just forget that you have a business mind in there somewhere. That’s what makes you different, and what won’t allow you to just let things go.”

I wondered, Is that true? I remembered the feeling when he said it – solid as a rock. True.

This morning, as I ready myself to write. I see now what is at the core of all of this. Magically, it’s what is at the core of everything else around me right now, too. It’s about work. Who does the work?

Whomever does the work is the one that owns something. The belief that has been the fly in the ointment for far too long.

Wow, what an outdated notion. Puritanical for sure. A rush of thoughts comes to mind in this moment. I used to argue that an executive’s wife deserved as much out of a relationship because the person behind that person contributed as much to the creation as the one who actually goes out in the world and ‘does the work.’ So Mark is right…about me.

Funny how beliefs work. We can consciously think one thing and be running and living another.

I do believe in oneness… this is how I write – in response to what others are asking for. Yes, I’m the messenger, but the message is not mine. Like a baker who bakes a cake with flour and eggs and milk…the farmer, the land and many sun-filled days brought the flour, the chicken sent the eggs and cows lent the milk. Even those who ensured the chickens ate everyday contributed, the delivery people who took these to market… and every step in between… who sent water to the field? Who ensured the water pipes were laid? On and on and on in an infinite circle of creation… and, with me? If there were no questions for others, no desires for what I am writing… well, I would be a messenger without a message to deliver.

I remembered how when I first started writing – back in elementary – I used to think, Is this writing? I’m just listening and writing down what comes to me. Is this cheating?

This has affected me my entire life, but until today I didn’t know why. It doesn’t ‘seem’ like work, and true to this belief that has been driving this part of me (the one who does the work owns it), how could I lay ‘claim’ to something if it wasn’t ‘work’ if ‘work’ is the only thing valued? I would, based on this belief, create more ‘work’ – ouch!

Time to let this one go.

Wow. I feel free.

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http://www.tinaferguson.com/phoenix-rising

This link provides the last ‘entry’ of my mini novella I’ve been writing about ‘letting go.’

When I arrived back from the workshop in Idaho Falls, I expected something ‘to happen’ as I had followed my intuition and felt much better, though nothing really had changed in the financial mess I was in.

What I know now that I didn’t see or recognize then was lots of ‘somethings’ were happening, but I just couldn’t see or acknowledge them. Instead, I held steadfast that I had to come up with the answer. That I had to figure this puzzle out.

I awoke a few weeks later to a steady chant that I heard of “let go” “let go” “let go” and I felt so infuriated with Spirit. I HAD let go…the credit score was hard enough! Wasn’t that proof? I have shared I have been demanding and honest with my conversations with Spirit. I yelled, “I don’t UNDERSTAND! What am I letting go of? WHAT?”

But, to speak of letting go of the ego when you are firmly married to it is like saying, Put your clothes on and let go of them.

A few days after that, I awoke realizing the ‘let go’ was to ‘let go’ of trying to figure everything out. Let go of managing the process. Let go of making things happen. Let go of kidding yourself that you are going to figure this out when you haven’t in the past year, and this whole insane circle is not going to get you an answer.

Ah, okay, but how?

Quit trying to force everything.

Ah, okay, but how?

This was the gateway to remembering my essence, my nature… yet even with this, I still had a long way to go to find solid ground and to remember who I am.

For nearly a week now, I’ve been feeling the urge to clean out my business storage closet. This closet holds all of my ‘stuff’ for business – CDs, t-shirts, books, relevant past issues of magazines, supplies for workshops.

I have felt pulled to that closet repeatedly. I say to the nudge, “Yes, yes, I feel you. I’ll do it when I have time.”

I just arrived home after an artist’s playdate with Minette Riordan, my friend and creative playmate, (we are following Violette’s Journal Bliss Video workshop) and once again the closet beckoned. Okay, okay, I’m looking, I’m looking.

I pulled out the five boxes of books I had neatly organized, labeled by genre and tucked away several years ago. There they were…at least 10 books I’ve been looking for the last month! Ah, I get it.

There is no worry about delay, no need for self admonishment as this time is always the perfect moment for what is calling to us and what we are reaching for as well.

I can’t wait to dive in to each one of these again!

P.S. These are not my books…this is a photo representation!

Back in 1996, I was a 27-year-old contemplating ending the marriage I knew wasn’t right to begin with. I had entered into the relationship 8 years earlier knowing I wasn’t in love, but I was desperate to leave the safety of my grandmother’s house and the marriage seemed like as likely a ticket out as any other. I didn’t believe I could do it on my own…I had tried that once with a roommate right out of high school and attracted all kinds of experiences that found me racing back to her within 6 weeks. To say I entered a marriage for convenience may sound cold and harsh, but the reality was that my then-husband and I were good friends, had enough in common that days were never boring and we could stand long stretches of time together without wanting to kill each other.

During that 8 years, I gained 73 pounds. Nearly 10 pounds a year, on average. With him, I found a sense of ‘home base’ and began to slowly make my way out into the world. Though I felt infinitely confident in my own abilities, I had many fears about the world at large. With my home base set, I could venture out little by little and begin to grow my courage.

What I didn’t know then that I know now was that as confined as I felt to my grandmother’s support and apartment – her space – I just transferred that self-created prison to my new husband and the marriage. Suddenly, there I was, venturing out more and more, feeling more adventurous and yet always feeling the tether back to home base that would call me back time and time again. I was never, ever quite ‘free.’

My husband struggled with depression. He seemed to always be up or down. There was no in-between. Thank goodness he wasn’t bi-polar, his tendency seemed to be directly tied to his every day experiences. If he sold that day, he was up. If he didn’t, he was down. I had unknowingly entered into my mother’s life’s story. I dutifully played the part by working two and three jobs just like she and my grandmother did. I literally was too busy to even contemplate whether or not I was happy. I ran around working 60 to 80 hours a week ensuring we could pay our bills. I often would come home to my husband asleep in bed at 5 pm.

One day, I came home and just ‘knew’ it was time to go. After that, I left a hundred times in my mind before I uttered the words. By the time I did say them, I had no emotional fight, no compassionate reserve for the depression, I simply had to go. I had grown enough to feel that perhaps I could make it by myself. My mother’s life story always surrounded her dependence…on her mother…on her husbands. I figured, I can always go live with mom if I can’t do this. I have to try.

I looked at my house, I looked at my dogs and I said good-bye to my ex and all of what I had spent nearly a decade creating. I felt alive in a way I had never felt. I had nothing except the car I just paid off and a few pieces of furniture, my clothes and books.

A wave of thoughts, ideas, longings and unmet desires met me at the doorstep that evening. It was as if all the things I wanted to do came bubbling up with the energy of freedom. I thought, I could move anywhere. I could move to Florida, to Illinois, to New Mexico. I could go to school anywhere. I realized my ex-husband didn’t ‘do’ any of this to me. He didn’t keep me confined…he didn’t say no…it was all the stuff in between us that was said in a conversation, a fleeting remark where I had taken each one and labeled these “he doesn’t like this” and “he doesn’t like that” and the death knell…I have to bend myself into a pretzel to live within all of these spoken twigs that weaved themselves into a prison cell.

The freeing moment … the moment that allowed me to leave that relationship despite my faith and fear of condemnation was looking at the situation and telling myself the truth. I had been hanging on to this home base for support when, in reality, I was the one supporting the home base. I supported it financially, emotionally, spiritually and in many physical ways, too. My ex is a dear, sensitive soul, and I knew he deserved to be in a relationship with someone who adored him. I had held on to his potential for years…clinging on to what I could see so clearly inside of him…urging him to live it, but the anguish of watching him over and over again start to soar and then plummet to Earth was more heartbreaking than any person should ever have to bear. I loved the man he would come to be…I did not love the man he was in that moment.

I do not mean to imply I was any rose at the time, either. We were a match at many levels…and yet, his unwillingness to grow actually gave me the strength…the gift to do what he would not. When I let go of the marriage, I also let go of trying to help him see his own light. When I dared to accept him just as he was…to let go. That’s when I entered into my own acceptance.

How I would not know how much farther I had to go to fully let go!

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Why is it so hard to say good-bye to things we love even when we know it is time? I’ve had my computer armoire for more than 10 years and it is time to do something different in my office.

A couple of months ago, Dusty Rose (a.k.a. Mom) called and told me she would be happy to take it off my hands if and when I got tired of it. Here it is behind my desk. Yes, I have another armoire right next to it that holds my printer and fax machine. Soooo much … tooooo much wood everywhere. MUST shift the energy!

I painted the inside of the doors with chalkboard paint AND magnetic paint so I could write on them with chalk or hang things up with magnets. When I’m talking on the phone or brainstorming, I like to have many inputs…and quotes, pictures and favorite things inspire me.

I’m not sure what will ‘replace’ this piece in my office. I just know that I have too much wood around me. I’ve known this for a long time, but have not been willing to part with this favorite piece … until now. I believe…so says my spirit.

So, why is it so hard to let go of old friends?

Good thing I’m giving her to my Mom…at least I’ll get to visit!

I’m not quite to the place of looking forward to what I’ll gain. That will come after I let it go completely.

This piece of furniture has been with me through many, many experiences…she has been a great partner.

Now, to find a place for all my client thank-you letters and such, and of course, Elle Woods Barbie!

Sometimes we know we are growing into a new direction, and yet its hard to celebrate because we haven’t quite made the transition yet.

To be continued!

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How many times have you felt like you had to do everything yourself? I know I have in many ways along my life.

When I was in my 20s, I had to do everything myself because I had to have everything the way I liked it. I cringe now thinking of the times when I would re-do something someone else did (from the house not being clean enough to rewrapping a present with wrinkles in it!)

When I was in my 30s, it was all about everything I did being an extension of me. So, if my team (at work) did something, then I had to approve everything to ‘ensure’ it was ‘good enough’ to meet my high standards. Ugh! Talk about exhausting!

Now that I’m in my 40s, I’ve relaxed a lot (not entirely), yet a LOT about all of these areas. I realize that trust goes a L-O-N-G way and the more I’m willing to trust others, the more I attract others who are worthy of trust! Wow, such a deal!

Plus, I can use my personal power for good instead of trying to control things!

Yesterday, I talked to a friend who just had a baby. She was grappling with this idea of “I must do everything myself” and it’s first cousin, “Everything must come through me.”

Her baby has a super high metabolism and somehow more breast milk was needed. She had a choice to make…would she allow others to support her? Would she give up the need to be the way?

Once she decided what she most wanted (which equaled – Healthy Baby), then the decision was easy…I want whatever allows me to continue breast feeding and also gives my baby the most health. Soon, several other mothers showed up to donate breast milk and my friend has what she wants…healthy baby, breast feeding and support.

What I see is my friend’s beauty and love reflected back to her. She is ALL about community, she believes it does take a village to raise children, and believes help comes in many abundant ways.

Indeed!

Remember, just say yes…and, remember, you don’t have to do everything yourself! In fact, it can be so much fun when others join you!

Yesterday, I called a friend who was feeling down. I shared from my own experience how the soul beckons us back to who we are – pure love, pure joy. I told her my story of learning how to love myself. I never thought of this story as funny, but she was laughing so hard that something in it must have been funny. Trust me, at the time, it was ANYTHING other than funny!

She said… “I have tears coming out of my eyes and they feel like not happy tears, but I’m laughing at the same time.”

That’s kind of what it feels like when you begin to return to the true you. It feels really sad at first. Like, HOW could I not care for myself anymore than this? HOW could I possibly have THOUGHT I loved myself when OBVIOUSLY I’ve been deluding myself! And your ego will really grieve how you didn’t see it all along. You might even sprinkle in some course critical comments about how “stupid” you’ve been. But, slowly, you begin again.

And the fog clears.

Then YOU get to come back and make some clear choices, and see that you really are amazing and brilliant. And wonder how ANYONE wouldn’t be able to see that – including you!

The rose is a symbol of completion…wholeness. I’ve seen this symbol so often over the years in readings – rosebuds for people who were just about to open, roses that were opening and closing for people who were saying – I want to, I don’t want to, I want to, I don’t want to, white roses, red roses, roses covered in snow, roses floating in the ocean, but mostly, I see roses and I experience the loving beauty as God wants to say… I see you!

For years I’ve tried to read Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s books. They called to me (still do), I bought them, but I could never read them. I would begin and then so much energy would build up in me that I would put it down and go do something else.

Recently, though, I picked up her book, The Call, and was able to actually read a couple of chapters of it, realizing that the time is the time when its the time – there’s no judgment in all of this. Evidently, this was the time for me to learn about this archetype. She begins the book, writing about this image she has of herself with her hands held in front of her with her hands severed.

She writes… The woman with her hands – a symbol of doing – severed says to me silently but emphatically, “I quit!”

I read this several months ago, and after learning about quitting ‘doing,’ just like other times, left the book alone. Last night I came upon some of the most clearly stated information about the inner dynamics of the Self. I literally lapped at this book soaking in how crisp and clear Robert A. Johnson’s descriptions were of how we work with our dreams and the unconscious.

Today, I felt pulled to know more about this man who touched me so deeply. And this is what I found on a site by one of Johnson’s mentees, Alzak Amlani, PhD… our handless maiden again.

“In the myth of the Handless Maiden a miller makes a deal with the devil in order to get more work done quickly and with less effort. The devil demands the miller’s daughter as payment. The miller is desolate but unwilling to give up his much expanded mill, so he gives his daughter to the devil. The devil chops off her hands and carries them away." Waited on her by newly prosperous family, the handless maiden is content for a time, until a growing sense of desperation sends her out to the forest alone.

The cry of contemporary women, like that of the handless maiden, is often some variation of "What can I do?"-a wounded, sometimes angry plea appropriate in a world that often makes women feel useless and second-rate outside of the realms of courtship or childbearing.”

In many readings I have seen soul information about a client being a ‘maiden’…with guidance and encouragement for the person to ‘surrender’ the maiden who must ‘do’ to be valued. I’ve seen women with any range of disorders around this theme – digestive failure, arthritic hands that plead to ‘let go,’ and hearts that literally appear to burst at the seams from holding so much resentment.

I had the fortunate experience to work with a beautiful woman last week and the Three Flames brought healing around ‘working hard,’ and worth derived from ‘working hard.’ I have benefitted from that energy, and I realize now that for a long time now Spirit has been trying to show me what to surrender…what to let go. I believe I’m finally home again.

Let’s thank the handless maiden for holding us for a while until we can reunite with the Queen… the Goddess within. The first step… pry your fingers away from the grip you have on control and then … let go!

Bumping up against the past, realizing that people take a snapshot of us, put a description on it and then label it as ‘you’ [insert name here] is challenging to the ego when you’ve moved along the continuum and the ‘you’ that you know is no longer a match to that. That was ‘you’ then, this is ‘you’ now.

The ego-mind wants control – always. Forever it is trying to make things what it wants. And, that includes trying to manage everyone else’s perceptions of who ‘you’ are.

Fugettaboutit…there’s no way to ever win that ego-mind war. But, the very best thing you can do to better deal with it is to gain clarity by letting go. Clarity of who you are, clarity of purpose, clarity of spirit, clarity of gifts, and then act in alignment with that clarity. Soon, your photo gets updated and you’ll get a new description in that person’s mind, and even perhaps, a new label.

Above all… love every part of who you are, where you’ve been, and what you’ve created…it’s all part of YOUR journey. And, don’t forget, pictures are taken all along the way!