Posts Tagged ‘Healing’
Yesterday, as the sun went down, Mark and I sat in the back by the pool talking about his business, talking about my next project (at least one book about manifesting and the principles of creation), talking about marketing and what we see clients doing and also moving to a new house. The conversation was like many between long-time married couples who drift easily from subject to subject without transitions – a seeming long list of ‘to-dos’ that we will work together to create.
In the middle of the conversation, the subject of ‘we’ and ‘my’ came up. I tend to say ‘we’ for many things, and ‘my’ for ‘my projects.’ He always gives me a hrrrmph when I do that because he says it is ‘ours.’ This bone of contention ran through my business years, too, as he would say ‘our’ clients when ‘I’ was the one doing the work, ‘I’ was the one dealing with the personalities that came along with the work, ‘I’ was the one that was doing all of the administrivia and on and on. I didn’t feel that his occasional run to FedEx with me in tow at 9:45 PM to mail a client’s project ‘counted’ enough to be ‘partners’ and the business, as I saw it, certainly was not ‘ours’ though the money from it was shared willingly and freely for all those years I had it.
Yesterday, in the lap of our backyard with the blue pool at our feet, surrounded by the roses and holly berries with me maybe eight or so years wiser, I let my guard down around the subject and opened my mind to consider what he may be seeing or feeling.
I feel at ‘one’ in nearly every other area and expression in my life – Why not this one? Why is it that I feel the need to stake claim?
As we peeled back the layers, I finally said, “Well, I’m the author of this creation – that’s why it is mine.”
He replied, to what was already streaming through my mind, “Why is it that you are always fine with being about ‘oneness’ and it takes all of us to get to where we are going, and you TEACH this, but when it comes to your writing you act like it’s all yours?”
I have to admit…I didn’t know why. I just had this feeling in the pit of my stomach – a perceived truth to his words.
Then, he said, “You just don’t get it. Everything is all of ours.”
He began to give me a list of things he does to make my writing life possible. He listens. He responds to me when I ask, “Does this make sense to you?” He cooks my meals (and always has). He brings me coffee in the morning.
I can do all of those things for myself I reasoned. They are nice, but I don’t have to have them. But to write! There’s so much to do… listening and listening and gathering the drops as they come in, and the putting them on paper – actually getting them out of my consciousness and into this world! There’s work to do!
I jumped to something that came to me in my inner defense… “I have no need to claim anything you are working on. Your business is your business. I enjoy helping you and I don’t need to be considered a ‘part’ of it. I give freely.” There it was…separation. This time I couldn’t ignore it.
“Maybe that’s true, but you are. What’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine.”
I bristled. “But you aren’t the one doing the work to write and to reflect and to collect all of these little messages that are coming in all day every day!” I exclaimed.
Then he said it. “Writing is easy for you. You write books like some people write articles. It just flows out of you like water.”
I swallowed hard because it was true – at least that part was true. And, somehow coming out of his mouth in actual words I felt like it discounted the process – the writing. That maybe it is too easy.
We drifted to another topic content to agree to somewhat disagree and somewhat to agree.
Later that night, I realized the writing IS easy for me…like breathing. I listen and follow. The structural part is more challenging. Putting myself out there even more so. The facing the business aspect from my true core as a creative soul has been the greatest challenge – even though I know what to do! I know how to run a business. I know how to grow businesses, but when I’m in my creative heart, I tend to be like other creative souls.
Our conversation simmered in the back of my mind. Something Mark said to me, “At the end of the day, Tina, you can’t be like everyone else. You can’t just forget that you have a business mind in there somewhere. That’s what makes you different, and what won’t allow you to just let things go.”
I wondered, Is that true? I remembered the feeling when he said it – solid as a rock. True.
This morning, as I ready myself to write. I see now what is at the core of all of this. Magically, it’s what is at the core of everything else around me right now, too. It’s about work. Who does the work?
Whomever does the work is the one that owns something. The belief that has been the fly in the ointment for far too long.
Wow, what an outdated notion. Puritanical for sure. A rush of thoughts comes to mind in this moment. I used to argue that an executive’s wife deserved as much out of a relationship because the person behind that person contributed as much to the creation as the one who actually goes out in the world and ‘does the work.’ So Mark is right…about me.
Funny how beliefs work. We can consciously think one thing and be running and living another.
I do believe in oneness… this is how I write – in response to what others are asking for. Yes, I’m the messenger, but the message is not mine. Like a baker who bakes a cake with flour and eggs and milk…the farmer, the land and many sun-filled days brought the flour, the chicken sent the eggs and cows lent the milk. Even those who ensured the chickens ate everyday contributed, the delivery people who took these to market… and every step in between… who sent water to the field? Who ensured the water pipes were laid? On and on and on in an infinite circle of creation… and, with me? If there were no questions for others, no desires for what I am writing… well, I would be a messenger without a message to deliver. 
I remembered how when I first started writing – back in elementary – I used to think, Is this writing? I’m just listening and writing down what comes to me. Is this cheating?
This has affected me my entire life, but until today I didn’t know why. It doesn’t ‘seem’ like work, and true to this belief that has been driving this part of me (the one who does the work owns it), how could I lay ‘claim’ to something if it wasn’t ‘work’ if ‘work’ is the only thing valued? I would, based on this belief, create more ‘work’ – ouch!
Time to let this one go.
Wow. I feel free.
I sent Dusty Rose, a.k.a. mom, a mother’s day card this year telling her how THANKFUL I am that she was my mother. She was a young mother, having me at 19 and my brother at 22 (just before her 23rd birthday). She didn’t impose a lot of rules on me, my sense is that it wouldn’t have mattered if she did, I would have just ignored them or broken them. She let me run wild and free. As a kid, I tromped around in the jungles and as a teenager, I put thousands of miles on my car exploring every back road and route from Aledo to Dallas, Texas.
When I was a kid, I took her allowing me to roam free as a sign of not caring about me…not caring if I got hurt or was injured. One day, while we still lived in Guam, I said, “There are wild boar out there! You know there are wild boar out there, and still you let us tromp around in the jungle looking for papayas!” When I was a teenager, I didn’t have a curfew, I could stay out as late as I wanted, sometimes I did – strolling home around 5 in the morning.
I vacillated between living with my mother and living with my grandmother throughout my life. My grandmother imposed rules and standards on how I would live with her and what I could and couldn’t do. I felt loved in these boundaries and I felt she cared. By contrast, I felt my mom didn’t care. Between the two, I got the love I truly needed – freedom AND boundaries.
I wrote to mom this mother’s day and thanked her for allowing the freedom to find out who I am and to roam like the free bird I am. She wrote back and told me: “I think we need to give your grandmother a lot of the credit here. Had she not been so controlling of me, I wouldn’t have been determined to NOT do the same thing to you.”
One of the things that happens along the road to accessing the soul’s path is ‘coming home’ to our family of origin. This is part of accepting all that we are and integrating into wholeness. I see now that ‘love’ to my mother is what she always wanted – freedom. She wanted to love me by giving me the freedom she never had. My grandmother had been such a controlling force in all of our lives…often stepping into our family unit, and she wanted to give me the freedom to be the mother I am, and to not impose her opinions and ideas onto me as well.
Today, I am grateful for both my mother and my grandmother’s influence. I see that I am a mix of both of their influences. Chance has a lot of freedom, but within boundaries Mark and I have set for him, for instance. We are all free birds, rule breakers, boundary pushers, and our family life reflects this. Because of our family make-up and design, we have the freedom to express ourselves in this way – Chance, included.
If you are awakening to your soul’s truth and find yourself drawn back into your family of origin, look for the highest truth and, there, you will find yourself.
Speaking of Dusty Rose, she is planning on having a Christmas in July party. She said she was going to go ahead and leave her Christmas decorations out on the porch until July and then just do Christmas in July! I love her style of decorating…it’s true… you can always find the road home.
Mom’s style is what you would call ‘rustic’ or ‘primitive’ and I love the vintage look. All of these ornaments are ‘vintage’ or as mom says, ‘old as dirt.’
Those Santas and ornaments were made like 30 years ago by my mom (and grandma, I think)!
Isn’t this crown the cutest little tree topper? It’s a candle wreath!
Close-up of vintage ornaments and mom’s “adopted tree” she confiscated from someone about to pitch it in the garbage. Is there any reason why I am so thrifty and crafty clever, too? I once wanted a queen sized bed for our guest bedroom (when I was married to my ex-husband). At the time, I made very little money, and so did my husband. I woke up a couple of days later and saw a wood frame sitting by the side of the road in the garbage pick up. I stopped on my way to work and hauled it home. It ended up being solid oak! It looked like a shorter version of a four-poster bed. The next week, a friend at work announced she was getting rid of her queen sized mattress. I claimed that, and hauled it home, too. Within a week, I had the guest bedroom set up just the way I wanted it!
My mom and stepdad make all kinds of birdhouses. Here, she put together a collage of three of them with some vintage canning jar candle holders.
We like to add ‘lights’ to everything! A little sparkle adds a bit of magic to everything!
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I often share stories about how I ‘arrive’ at an awareness. Each person has their own way, I believe. Still, the steps are often the same.
In coaching and working with people for the last 20 years, I have noticed that most people’s ‘problems’ or ‘concerns’ are ‘bundled’ around two or three items – no more, ever. What this means is that no matter how big your problems might feel or seem, they are really held together by two or three ‘central ideas’ that, once you become aware of them, will lose their grip on you.
When I work with clients, I am searching for the linchpins so we can release them quickly so the person can move quickly.
Now, why I never decided to do this for myself in this area, I can’t tell you, but, as always, when I am ready…my soul is waiting for her turn.
When I was a little girl, I was a normal weight until I hit 8 or so. That’s when I started stuffing myself with sugar in all of its delicious forms. From boxes and boxes of Girl Scout Cookies to cakes, sugar became a dear friend. In high school, my favorite lunch was a Vanilla Coke and ice cream sandwich from Dairy Queen.
I played competitive sports and though I was never ‘thin,’ I was able to keep my weight down to about 25 lbs. overweight for most of my teens. This was a tremendous improvement from being 80 lbs. overweight before discovering tennis.
There have been times in my life when I have had absolutely no desire for sugar at all, but given the chance, would love to eat it.
In 2008, I learned I have ADHD though the doctors say I have ‘mastered’ my distractedness, the ‘H’ stands for hyperactivity, and people with ADHD (according to my doctor) have brains that naturally need more sugar. Our bodies are getting the message over and over again, “Hey, send some sugar on up here!” But, the problem is that if we feed our bodies refined sugar, then we set off an insulin response that dumps more adrenaline into the system.
It’s clear to me how I have literally been using sugar like a junkie to ‘get myself’ to do something. When I am ‘sugared up,’ I can drive right to a finish line. Luckily, nature is telling me my body can’t keep doing this.
Last week, a series of event led to one of my ‘sweetest’ epiphanies and I want to share this ‘journey’ with you.
I woke up one day at the end of March and ‘remembered’ that when I kicked my two-latte a day habit, I just asked the angelic realm for help. I said, “Angels, I don’t want to be addicted to caffeine any more and I don’t want to go through withdrawals, either. Please help me.” And they did. I just went about my business and a couple of days later, I just didn’t want them anymore. No headaches. No withdrawals. Just no cravings. After that, I could have a latte here and there without the impulse to keep drinking them.
So, in March, I thought, Ah, I just need to ask for help again with sugar. The ugly truth about ADHD in adults is that after years and years of overloading the body with adrenaline, the acid builds up in the body and starts to look a lot like fibromyalgia. I would literally wake up hurting from head to toe after a sugar binge. I certainly appeared to look like a junkie! My mother is 20 years and a month or so older than me, so I have watched her walk the path, and she and I went together to find a ‘cure’ back in 2008, and came home feeling like new people. However, there is no ultimate ‘cure’ other than to quit poisoning the system and stop the vicious cycle!
I took the cue to ‘ask’ for help and just like a charm, I left sugar alone for two weeks. I didn’t crave it or want it. I breezed by ice cream, cakes and soda. Then, I wanted to finish a project. I reached for my good ol’ standby…coffee loaded with cream and sugar. All sugared up, I flew through the project. If you have seen the movie Limitless, I am like the guy on NZT when I have my caffeine-sugar cocktail!
From there, I had some major decisions to make on my website. I tried, but nothing felt right. The truth is my intuition was talking, and I felt scared. I felt ‘frozen.’ I started eating ice cream like I couldn’t get enough of it. I am not a binger…but one ice cream a day is a lot for me. My favorite stress reliever is peanut butter chocolate ice cream.
All of these things are happening. I am eating the sugar, so I am numbed out. My breasts are screaming at me telling me to nurture myself, but I am trying to ‘get something done!’ My website! I have a deadline!!! It’s coming up!
Last Saturday, we attended a bar-b-que with many other families. I ended up talking to a friend about sugar. The topic of our kids craving sugar like little addicts came up, and, of course, we have seen this with Chance. My friend told me about an article she had read about Demi Moore and how she eats NO sugar EVER. And commented that she felt that was very ‘grown up’ to just say, “No” to sugar and be done with it. I mentioned that I had felt the same way recently, that it was time to ‘grow up’ about taking care of the physical. It’s not like I don’t have all of the ‘knowledge’ to do it. And, certainly, I feel MUCH clearer and less moody without the sugar highs and lows.
I am not sure what happened with that conversation, but as we drove home, I had many ‘noticings’ drop into my awareness. I thought of asking the angels and how that is a surefire way to definitely do away with the cravings. And, then I had some paperwork to submit for my degree plan, and I happened to see that Deepak Chopra says anxiety is pain projected into the future. I then remembered a dream I had a couple of months ago about being in my kitchen “creating” and not being able to ‘finish’ because I kept stopping to go eat peanut butter cookies (the wafer kind) with melted chocolate on them. Then I remembered when I feel anxious in a group of people, often because I am not grounded, I will drink a cup of coffee with cream and sugar to ground my energy quickly.
It was as if a reel of clips played out on top of my consciousness! I realized in that moment that the only time I reach for sugar is when I am anxious. And, just like I’ve seen with clients, the awareness of what is causing the chain of events set me free!
It is one thing to think you are a sugar junkie and to claim a huge burden of ‘stuff’ and it is quite another to know that each time I am reaching for sugar it is to 1. Drive over my anxiety or my intuitive sensitive side and/or 2. Avoid feeling what I am feeling in the moment and/or to feel SAFE. I realized, I ‘check out’ when I feel anxious or unsure. Sugar makes it easy to do this because it is like taking a numbing pill. I discovered sodas will put you into a comatose state!
When I told Mark about my discovery, he just looked at me quizzically and said, “So, you’ve always known you are an emotional eater?” But, that is not true! I eat sugar to squelch my feelings and to numb out what I am feeling. I went back in time and sure enough… I have done this over and over again when I have a HUGE DECISION to make and I feel UNSAFE.
Of course, Louise Hay in Heal Your Body cites the same thing for ‘overweight’ – Fear, need for protection. Running away from feelings. Insecurity, self-rejection. This is absolutely it… Self-rejection! I reject my SELF when I turn to this habit to ‘get through’ whatever I’m feeling.
I have been using sugar to lower the intensity of what I feel since I was a little girl! This is simply a habit formed by a little girl who had no other way to ‘protect’ herself from the energy she felt swirling around her in many ways. Today, I am an adult that can help with new strategies.
So, I have ONE thing to be aware of now. I can manage that. It feels so EASY! And, I know EXACTLY what to do when I feel these things (Spirit brought us the most amazing program last fall during Ultimate Well-being), but I must CONSCIOUSLY choose to do something else. Now that I am aware, I can’t go back to being ignorant. If I choose to eat sugar, then I will do so consciously now that I know this is my habit.
Another thing I noticed is that when I go ‘numb’ I feel that I lose weeks of my life to it. It is as if I ‘wake back up’ when I am ready to deal with the decision that needs attention. What I realize most is that the part of me that could ‘answer’ is silenced by the sugar…so managing the anxiety is important. I realize, too, I am not alone. There are many other ‘superstars’ who deal with this type of anxiety.
I believe awareness is key, though. Now, instead of feeling there is a huge mosh pit to be dealt with in the ‘sweets’…I can simply acknowledge my feelings in the moment and choose to stay conscious, and notice that if I am craving peanut butter and chocolate, there is some part of me that requires my love and attention. Life is too short to ride around with tire tracks on my back from driving over myself!
Feels like a whole new day!
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- kicking the sugar habit
Last week on Queen of Dreams Radio, Michaiel Bovenes shared a beautiful gift with listeners. For those of you who may not listen to the show, I wanted to let you know about this gift so if you or someone you know struggling with finding some ‘hope’ in this chaos in the world. This gift is a meditation that will help you access a light at the end of the tunnel – your light!
Michaiel is the founder of Soul-utions.com and has many wonderful, heart-full meditations that uplift and connect you to love. I have invited him back many times because of the feedback I receive from listeners. This free downloadable MP3 can be found at http://www.soul-utions.com/Hope.php. Enjoy!
Oh, and speaking of Queen of Dreams Radio, today we are live at 1 pm PST/4 pm EST with Julie Loar as our guest host. She is the author of Goddesses for Every Day. This book is one of my newest faves…so full of wonderful goddess energy!
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A few years ago, I felt compelled to plant roses in my yard. At the time, I experienced a deeply transformational experience with Mother Mary, Jesus and nature. Roses seemed to beckon and call from every corner of the Universe.
I’ve noticed in sessions that roses show up often with Mother Mary and Jesus. These beauties always remind of bittersweetness… the beauty of the rose combined with the thorns.
I’ve written about this divine connection and roses, and many people send their rose stories…these stories, in particular, highlight the beauty of awareness…of interacting with divine and of seeing the messages of love in everything.
Beverly, a dear friend and soul sister, emailed a couple of rose stories I wanted to share with you all!
Just so thought of you when I saw this (completely unplanned) reflection … it is too funny 
… Jesus does love his roses and so do you so I just had to share this picture of my last rose of summer … I hope life is wonder-full for you in every moment … God bless, and remember to smell the roses … don’t you just love the way messages arrive? … xoxo Bev
Here’s another from Bev…
Must share another rose story about what I thought was the last rose of summer till this one came along ) … It was beautiful too, and I brought it indoors thinking there was going to be frost and placed it beside the same picture of Jesus (see the photo below)… it was there for quite a few days and still looked beautiful … then I went out of town thinking it would be wilted when I returned … but … when I got back it was still amazing and stayed that way for a long time … wow… and … when it finally faded, and dried … at the very centre, a petal dried in the shape of a heart … such a gift …
Can you see the heart in the center of the rose below?
Beverly… thanks for sharing your heart and beautiful stories with us!