Live Your Dream Life with Passion and Purpose

Can it really be this easy? Just focus on what your body really looks like under those mounds of flesh and watch them melt away. Yes!

Or so it seems. I’ve lost five pounds so far. What have I ‘done’ for that? Nothing. A lot. You determine.

I have been following my steps most every day. No, I’m not perfect and I don’t do it morning and night like I suggest or put out for myself. I just do it when I think of it and do my best. Doing my best keeps coming up – in emails, in creations, in art, in writing – and I just keep telling myself … “do your best.”

I have found myself wondering about weight. What prompts us to take it off? What puts us to sleep as we put it back on? I’ve done this two other times and this *WILL* be my last time. What prompts someone to go into hibernation and put on 80 to 100 pounds? I find myself asking me.

What comes back is a collage of thoughts. An overly sensitive child who could feel everything – in this world, in some other world. Remarks like “quit being so sensitive.” But how? HOW? Sugar…that is a good desensitizer. I’ll do that. I once ate boxes and boxes of Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies. When it came time to turn in the money, my mom asked HOW MANY BOXES did I eat? I had no idea. I just sat in my room and ate them. I imagine my ‘damage’ was close to $100 – a LOT of money back then. But I’ll never know because my mom never told me and never scolded me either. I’m sure I made up for it by scolding myself.

What’s funny to me now is that I was such an over-achieving kid, I always signed up to sell the MOST girl scout cookies. To get the MOST March of Dimes donations each year as we did our 20-mile walk. That year that I signed up to sell 26 cases (yes, that is not a typo), I saw that I had to get a health exam to be able to go to the Girl Scout Camp. When I saw the word, genitalia on the list, I asked my mom what it was, and after determining that every other body part had been accounted for and then watching her squirm for a bit, I knew exactly what it was. Right then and there, I decided, if that had to be inspected prior to going, I would not go. All of that hard work – door to door sales and eating boxes and boxes of cookies – went down the drain with my fear of exposing myself to a doctor.

Without all of the compulsiveness of the ‘doing’ I usually occupy myself with (diets, workouts), I am finding I have more time with myself to really consider releasing weight on an inner level. I still think it’s hilarious that it never occurred to me to use the techniques that have yielded gold in every other area of my life. I guess it really is true – you’ll do it when you are really ready.

Still, I find myself with this collage of thoughts that follows me around. I don’t eat compulsively like I did when I was a kid. Anorexia at 13 took care of that neurotic behavior. I asked for a way to quit eating so much and that was the answer – complete control. It would take me many, many more human experiments to get to a place of not thinking about food compulsively although I can still tell you the calorie count of pretty much any food. I have forgotten all of these weight trials and tribulations over the years. I do forget how much I have experienced – how much knowledge I’ve used successfully – and not. To me, life is a great adventure – one experiment after another in what is possible.

Here’s what I know as of today…

1. Three weeks – the number of days I can get myself to do anything by force. Some weight loss things I’ve tried successfully for three weeks straight: Master Cleanse, name the diet, fasting, running, walking, weight training, cycling.

2. When the layers of adipose (what a fancy word for fat) peel off, get ready for the energy stored inside. I’ve already been experiencing this and since I’m not distracted by my compulsions with a scale, a workout, and food, I’m getting to observe them. It’s funny what I’ve stored: Compliments “you’ve helped me so much”, offhand remarks “what are you doing now?”, fears “maybe no one cares about what I think is so important”, anxiety “I get bored too easily”, desires “I want more adventure”, Truth “I love myself”, loss of a baby “I never did take time to mourn this life” and a whole bunch of feeling like I didn’t deserve what was given to me “my life is always so much easier than other people’s – why?”. Fascinating – better than reading a book!

3. I am amazed at what five pounds has done already to (for?) me. I feel more creative just by allowing myself to fully feel emotion again. For the longest time I kept saying, But I DO listen to my body! As an intuitive, how can you not? What I have discovered the last couple of weeks is that what I wasn’t listening to was my emotional body. The last year, as I’ve been working with clients I’ve said I’m hungry for meaningful conversations, I’m craving community, I’m living to hear women’s stories of what they hope for, what they desire, what their dreams are. I understood this is what I wanted too. Story is the language of the emotional plane. I still think it is so funny how something can be hidden in plain sight.

4. I am eating whatever I want. I find it fascinating what my body wants. Avocados and olives jumped out the last two days. Celery (which I thought I didn’t like) and carrots have made an appearance. Eggs…I can’t seem to eat enough eggs. And, I don’t want any chicken, which is ironic because on every other diet, that is what I would have consumed mass quantities of. I noticed yesterday how grateful I felt for the avocado in my hand. The energy emanating from it felt so happy. I had thoughts of making up a basket of these green babies and throwing in a garlic clove and some salsa and chips. I could see her with her hubby by the pool, drinking margaritas and eating homemade guac.

5. When a sensitive person doesn’t take care of her needs, her body can only take care of those for so long. Luckily for me, I’m SO sensitive in my body that I can’t ‘hold’ much without it coming out. This is probably why I’ve been so healthy despite my ample girth. I just can’t hold stuff in; I feel too sick. Last week, anger made an appearance. I thought it was fascinating that people think I don’t get angry. It’s true, it doesn’t happen very often, but I am human and I’m so a work in progress. And, yes, I do have to keep reminding myself…I’ve done more than my fair share of experiments on myself. Allowing the emotions to teach me is an interesting, roller coaster of a ride.

6. I’m going to make it this time. I know it and I can feel it. I only have these compulsive ‘hurry up’ thoughts once every four or five days. They sound like, “Can I get there by my birthday?” or “Can I do this in three months?” When I hear a thought like that, I just smile and say… “I’m ready in whatever time is right for me.”

7. Journaling or some type of expression is really important. I had no idea why I was being guided to write. I didn’t want to. I didn’t feel like it. I put it off. Then, as usual, I had a meeting with a client who was a perfect mirror. Okay, I’ll write I agreed. What I found when I came to the page was it was time for more acknowledgment of myself. I found when I came here that I actually do write – a lot – in my head. All the time I see things and catalog them for later use. I’ve done this my whole life. I just didn’t know why. I catalog the silliest things – authors I like and who publishes them, funny ways people say things, the colors I see that others don’t see – a glint on the hood of a car that looks like the moon in broad daylight. The journaling showed me why I feel I have books and books and books inside of me – a bookcase full. It also showed me why I have so much ‘energy’ stored in my cells – I’m a walking, talking catalog of unwritten writing! Your type of expression may be singing, songwriting, art (I’ve been doing a lot more of this too), creating programs, gardening, and it just might also be…writing.