Queen of Dreams Radio
Thanks for all of you who have emailed me about this subject. I find it fascinating that so many of you will openly tell me how beautiful I am and that I shouldn’t be hard on myself at the same time you will not do the same for yourselves. We are all beautiful…yes, indeed…with or without extra pounds, I believe. As the beauty isn’t captured in the dermis or the cells that make up your extra cargo (why do we call it junk in the trunk?). And, at the same time, are we living our truth?
I shared with one person who was so sweet… “Tina, YOU are so BEAUTIFUL!” she bubbled…that I can actually feel my physical body talking to me now that I have dared to go to the place I haven’t before. In the steps, I suggest that you ask your body what it looks like. This ‘inside-out’ formula has been such a gift already! I found out that my body wants to move in fun ways. It wants to do cartwheels in the back yard and wants to do big jumps on the trampoline with splits in the air. Wow – who knew?
A few days ago, as I meditated, my body told me my ‘actual’ weight that it wants to be is 133 lbs. I nearly gasped at that number as I have never dared allowed myself to even think or consider a number like that. I mean, we are talking about a girl who went to Diet Center at 165 lbs. and I literally fought to get down to 145. It took everything I had to get down to that number and it still didn’t feel like I had accomplished anything.
I visited the acupuncturist this week, and I mentioned the odd cravings I’ve had. I posted about these earlier, but for this conversation… olives, limes, celery, avocados, onions…it is like I can’t get enough of them, but I don’t want much of them at any given time. So, I’ll eat a handful of olives and then I’m done. I’ll eat half an avocado and then I’m done. Because I’m doing this inside-out, I am going with it. I’m trusting that my body knows.
Apparently, it knows that I need more alkalinity in my body. When I listed off the foods, Dorine (my wonderful acupuncturist) told me these foods were all alkaline. I thought, hmmm, interesting. Equally as odd is that I have absolutely no desire for chicken or turkey. The last few times I’ve eaten it, I felt so sick. Ditto for pasta – even the high protein kind. I can’t even stomach the thought of coffee. What??? This whole thing was so odd that I took a pregnancy test because I felt like I was so different. It’s like my body has taken over, and I’m ‘along’ for the ride. I’m enjoying it, but I’ve already had some odd side effects.
1. I feel a LOT more. I am learning how to work with my emotions in a totally new way. This isn’t about analyzing anything, but it is being available for what is in the moment. I am more aware of little nuances – keenly aware of little things that I used to notice, but now these are more front and center.
2. I love my body more. I had not been a Debbie Downer about my weight – made peace with it in my early 20s – yet I had been in what I’ll call ‘denial’ of my real size (I’ve posted on this – just search easy weight loss to see the posts). An interesting side effect has been to look at my thighs that are much more dimpled than ever before, or my fleshy bye-bye arms and really feel compassion for myself and love for my body that has kept me safe all these years.
3. My intuition is off the charts. I am not sure if this is because I quit drinking coffee or am not eating as much sugar or what, but my intuition is off the charts. Somehow that seems okay now instead of feeling like a burden. I don’t feel afraid to know things like I used to – they are just things.
4. Nowhere to hide. I am experiencing massive energetic shifts, and my body isn’t going to store any more for me. I feel that I have decided to release this weight and so with it, these shifts are happening. I am learning to work through these daily, and am reminded moment to moment I am infinitely supported.
5. Shifting to outer protection. Mark set up our new TV studio (so we can create some videos for you) and I got to put an old oversized chair in my office. Now, my office is already stuffed, but somehow having this old chair (a memento from my heroic leap of faith to go out on my own) held an important energy for me. Just having it in my office brought me joy. Mark started sitting in it and chatting with me, which I enjoyed. What I noticed is that having ‘stuff’ around me brought me a sense of safety and protection. Of what? That’s what I don’t yet know. So we will see. I do know that when I met Mark, I was at my lowest weight since I was anorexic in my teens, and my apartment was STUFFED to the gills – seriously, my dog had to even walk backwards! (since then, I’ve purged and purged and purged – TEN YEARS of getting rid of ‘stuff.’) I’m sure there’s a link, but again… I’m just going with the flow – no programs, no rules, just allowing, love and acceptance. This journaling is for me to share the process. I’m sure there’s a point in my future where there’s less of me and less stuff around me. THAT, I’m sure Mark will appreciate since he is a minimalist!
6. True connection – body, mind & soul. I told my mom about these flashes I had as I ate these corn tortillas. I said, “Mom, I know this sounds crazy, but…I feel so connected to this food in these fascinating ways.” I stumbled over the words, trying to capture the feelings and what was happening. I ‘saw’ these native americans grinding corn and making some type of bread. It made no sense to me, and at the same time, I felt so happy. I have been cooking and enjoying it.I see myself cutting up vegetables and making broth. I feel so connected to the food – it feels like it is alive and full of energy. Now, of course, I can intellectualize this and make it all rational and say this is about the food being energy and make it about that, but the truth is that it feels like people do to me – bundles of information and light. I wonder…have I ever noticed this before now? The only thing that comes to mind is when I read the most wonderful book about herbalists. I felt so connected to the plants in a way I have NEVER experienced, and it was a rich, sweet experience to know the vibrancy of God’s creations. Here I am today, enjoying that same connection with food. I can’t tell you how grateful I am for these items that grow and that we can eat. I find myself wondering if I ever have felt this way…and I honestly can’t remember a time when food was a ‘neutral’ or ‘safe’ zone. I either ate like my grandmother…an egg and no thought about it or I ate like my mom…where it was always about everything – happiness, sadness, celebrating, grief.
7. New experiences. Because I’m cooking now, I get new experiences with Chance I have not really ever had. Yes, I’ve cooked him a few things here and there (Mark does most all of our cooking), but not really in the way I do now. Because of the connection I feel to the food, to myself and to everything else, I am aware at the minutest level what the food really is. It’s an experience – with God, with the people who have grown it, created it, shipped it, with us as we eat together, and I have never seen Chance bite into a hot dog with such appreciation and ask, “How did you get it so crunchy inside?” all the while, smiling a huge smile and saying how “good” it tastes. I remember making that hot dog, and having a brief wince of ‘this probably isn’t very healthy’ and then a truth coming right behind it… no one is going to die from a hot dog. This was a gourmet hot dog, made from a high-quality organic company, and I didn’t have to ‘fear the food.’ I breathed a sigh of relief and finished making it – all from ideas that just came to me – without knowing how to cook.
I shared what I felt with Mark yesterday and told him I remember seeing myself doing these things a couple of years ago. I remember at the time laughing at the idea because I was so “not” that. I guess I am that. And so much more.
I encourage you all to comment here – I love getting your emails, and at the same time, I know we learn best together. Let’s release together and encourage each other to be our very best. Your story can add healing and hope to someone else’s life… never underestimate how powerful your words are.
P.S. I haven’t read Geneen Roth’s new book, but my sense is…it must be similar to what I’m experiencing here. I’m not going to read it now…I’ve committed to see where my body takes me (from the inside out)…what adventure I’ll have with food. I’ve heard phenomenal things about it from friends…do what feels best for you!
